Not Working

I should be working writing about all the dirty dirty films I have watched today like Veronica Hart’s Lost Heinie and Sinful Rella but instead I am sitting around and doing Amelie impersonations.

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More Male and A Little Woman

This email was the unintentional highlight of the week:

Subject: Who are you?< who are you and why are you emailing my husband? It was sent presumably from the husband's email address, or there is one very mad, very aggressive and very snoopy gay househusband out there. I haven't written back mostly because I am enjoying the push-pull feelings of amusement and anger. I mean, like, who is her husband? Very likely he is one of many nice guys who email me on a regular basis and compliment my web site or my work, and I emailed him back to say "thank you." That's about as raunchy as it gets. This woman has obviously been cuckolded by politeness. I want to write her back and ask her why she's invading her husband's privacy. Or why she's got the balls to email me presumptuously, a total stranger, and no cojones when it comes to trusting (or talking to) her husband.

But what I really want to tell her is that she needs to be oiled up with a delicious aphrodisiac oil by six nubile and adoring male and female nymphs who blindfold her and drizzle warm maple syrup all over her sensitive parts and lick it all off while drinking some ancient bottle of sweet liqueur that makes them all hallucinate and writhe like a bunch of orgiastic snakes, all culminating with her much-needed introduction to a Hitachi Magic Wand Super Silicone G-Spotter Kit, the Tiny Buzzers nipple clamps, a Little Flirt butt plug and the iSurge, all at once. Then a sound spanking from the super-hot and very scrumptious Mistress Morgana. And a complete training on wifeliness by the dedicated wives of Whap! Magazine.

On Saturday 4/12 I represented the women of Survival Research Labs at the Gearheads: The Turbulent Rise of Robotic Sports book signing in San Francisco (Fort Mason). The book is fantastic and I love it (though a little light on the female contribution to the world of machine art). It’s the only written description of SRL that even comes remotely close to capturing the chaos, danger and prankster nature of our organization — and the book also covers Robot Wars and Battlebots, organizations that sprung up in SRL’s wake. You know, the TV shows where the only women are big-boobed blonde bunny announcers. Hey, I like the BBBB announcers, but c’mon, guys.

I ran a table selling the Official SRL Nudie Calendar (all proceeds benefit an SRL member with cancer), and got to meet just about everyone. I had a great time sipping beer and chatting robotics with guys and a few gals, and selling the hell out of the calendars. There were many instances where it took several rounds of conversation with some of the men to get them to understand that I was a *female* member of SRL, and that we do indeed exist in all our welding, carpentering, forklift-driving, fabricating and machine operating glory. I guess it was a consciousness-raising event on both sides.

Next I’ll be hosting at the Capri Restaurant on 4/23 for a Stop AIDS benefit evening, and working as Good Vibes staff at the SF Fetish Ball on 4/26 and at the premiere of Charles Gatewood‘s documentary Forbidden Photographs at the Roxie Theater on 5/9.

Oh, and last week’s favorite customer question, from two gay guys I was waiting on in the store:

Do you have any lube for really BIG dicks?

As a matter of fact…

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Fan Male

I get fan mail daily, but this is a total favorite, sent today:< Man, intelligent porn AND a member of SRL?
You WIN at the internet!
Keep up the good work,
A fellow perv.

Another recent favorite told me I was sexy because I use a G4. Yes! My mail is awesome, and I totally look forward to it. Lots of letters by lots of smart, happy folks asking questions about sex, saying hi, or giving me pointers. Sometimes it’s funny in a satirical way, sometimes its funny in an unintentional way, like when I get emails from men who tell me about their huge huge penises, and want me to talk about their huge huge penises with them. They definitely like big cocks more than I do. It’s all fun, and sometimes bizarre, too, like last month I got an email from amateur pornographers in former Yugoslavia that read:

Dear Mister
If you interested to cooperate,and if you seen our
Site. We wish to
suggest you few way of cooperation.
In Belgrade(Serbia)there are people who is interested
in recording a film pornography. We knew 10
people minimum(male and female)who wants to do it.They
are interested in clasic
sex,oral,anal,lesbo,gay,sm,pising.Women`s from 18 up
to 50 years,size of the breast`s from 90cm up to 120
There are few chance for cooperation:
-That two of us come to your place and take a picture.
-That we from Belgrade send you material accros
-The best option is thet you come in Belgrade take a
material that you need.
With 10 people and for a few days you can record a lot
of film`s

It’s so personal it’s really hard to resist, don’t you think? Last week a close friend and colleague of mine, who is a well-known erotica author, wrote me in a panic — she got a very scary piece of fan mail. She said it was like the movie "Seven," handwritten in tight inky script, begging her for… things. This is one of the hazards of the job, and unfortunately of being female in general. But I know of a girl who is about to turn fan mail upside down — Dr. Ducky Doolittle.

Cute, curvy Ducky has been a panty, messy, shoe, leg and foot fetish model for a long time (we’re both in Messy Girls), and she always publishes her address with her photos. She loves getting fan mail too, and has saved every single scrap of mail she’s received. In New York from April 24 to May 17, Ducky presents Fan Mail: An Intimate Look at the Relationship Between a Fetish Model and Her Fans, a showing of her amazing archive. She writes,

These are the letters that inspire both my fantasies and my nightmares. They are simultaneously titillating, frightening, funny, bizarre, abusive, sexy, warm and filthy…. For the first time, I am opening up a piece of my archive for public viewing.

I wish I could see the show, and I hope it makes a tour of the West Coast. Not only do the letters sound cool and interesting, but what a fantastic way of contextualizing an experience that every single woman sexualized in the public eye experiences — and we all experience it alone, in private.

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Love For Sale

SRL Nudie Calendars are for sale! (All proceeds go to the North family — read more about the calendar and my friend’s fight with cancer in the 3/15 entry below).

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I Can’t Feel My Ass

I get a lot of letters from sex toy (and other) companies asking me if I will link to their sites. That’s no surprise — my site traffic is remarkably high, especially for a site where I sell nothing, have no advertisers, and I do nothing to advertise or promote the site. The only things I hope people buy are my books, but I don’t make anything extra if folks buy them off my site. I link to Good Vibes because I work there, I believe in our mission, and I’m one of over 100 owners of the co-op. Recently a site wrote me asking for a link (as usual with no offer of reciprocity), so I checked ’em out, as I’m always on the prowl to offer new sex-positive outlets for goodies to readers. I really like their site and its design, the product presentation looks fantastic, the site navigation is excellent, and they offer some really fun toys my shop doesn’t carry — toys I’d love to try. They also have great articles, like how to hire a stripper for a party, and even decent oral sex tips I’d endorse. But I have qualms about a few things they carry — one item in particular — which brings me to answering a recent email from a reader.

The product in question is a lubricant sold specifically for anal sex that numbs the anus (and by proxy) the penis doing the penetrating). In a few places on Tiny Nibbles and as standard policy in Good Vibes’ sex ed safety, I recommend against using butt numbers for anal sex, and this sweet reader wanted to know why. You see, she experiences a burning sensation during anal sex, and plain lube just doesn’t cut it. The Anal Eze, or whatever, numbs the pain and she can continue — and it also masks important messages that the body might be trying to send. Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, it’s a fairly dry zone that requires lots and lots of lube for penetration. The skin is very very thin and (ouch) tears easily, so if you don’t have enough lube, you risk injury — and you really don’t want E Coli germs in a cut down there. If you can’t feel the dryness, you can’t apply more lube. You also won’t feel the pleasure that comes when anal sex is done right.

I get this question in the store from customers on a fairly regular basis. A slight burning sensation is normal when you first start anal penetration. It should gradually fade and give way to fullness, rhythm and pleasure as you continue, your arousal growing and as your muscles relax. If it hurts a lot, or won’t stop hurting, there might be a few reasons why:

* You’re going too fast. Slow way down. You won’t believe how slow you have to go: it might seem like the seasons are changing around you, but trust me. If you’re doing the penetrating, go so slow that your recipient gets impatient and makes sexy demands.

* You need more lube. Think a 40-gallon tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Have towels handy. Try lots of Wet Platinum

* One of you doesn’t really want to be doing this right now. Hey, that’s okay — switch activities if your partner isn’t ready, or in the mood, or can’t relax due to stress or medication.

* You’re not turned on enough. You really need to be horny as hell if you’re a novice or nervous, so do whatever it takes to put your arousal into overdrive. A vibe on the clit (or a lubed hand on a cock) works wonders.

So don’t use the butt numbers — they’re dangerous. And the delay spray crap that some sites sell will just numb out your dick (and your lover’s pussy or ass), and it won’t make you last any longer. I’ll cover lasting longer in another rant… As for linking to that site, the jury’s out.

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After Last Tuesday

Whew, I’m recovering from the Tim benefit. I staffed the SRL Nudie Calendar table all night, signing calendars and chatting folks up about out super-cute calendar and the very hot boys and girls I work with in Survival Research Labs. Mark Pauline blew up three huge images from the calendar into big glossy posters — and because he loves to tease me, he blew up the one of me and put it right next to the table! I blushed a lot, but had a great time, and we sold quite a few calendars. But we didn’t sell them all, and the rest will be on sale on the SRL web site soon until they’re all gone — I’ll post the link for interested parties when it’s ready.

I got smooched a lot, felt like a nudie cutie star signing autographs, and got away from the table to boogie down with the incredibly talented Extra Action Marching Band. What an amazing phenomenon they are — horns, drums, undulating half-naked flag boys and girls — and everyone danced. Except Tim, of course — he was in a wheelchair but the band played all over and around and to him! I didn’t get home until four and dragged my butt into Good Vibrations by ten, to write with bloodshot eyes and sit through two hours of meetings about ad content… eesh. I came home early and watched some porn, then wrote our email newsletter the GV Spot, edited new erotic fiction for the Good Vibes magazine — and collapsed into bed with my phone to make some calls. But the highlight of my day was an email from a fan who wrote to tell me I was sexy — because I use a G4! You bet — I think all Mac users are hotties!

Tonight when I get home from work, a review of PornOrchestra.

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War Porn

I happen to live in a neighborhood in San Francisco that has an amazing view — not hard in a city with dozens of hills. I can see downtown quite easily with my binoculars, which is why today was frustrating. I knew that war protesters were going to "shut down the city," and Good Vibrations even closed all locations in anticipation of the chaos. The protesters actually started the shutdown last night at 5pm, and today it’s a huge mess, and they’re reporting little of it on the news, hence my frustration. I’m getting updates from folks who get caught in it by accident (and me, too) — there’s something going on in every downtown neighborhood, it seems, and the chaos randomly moves around. I can see some of it from my vantage point.

It’s weird. The city is like a ghost town in the outer neighborhoods, and a war zone downtown: in SOMA, the financial district, the waterfront and in the Mission. But on TV, it’s fuzzy pictures of nothing — while five helicopters hover half a mile from my house and 1400 people are arrested. And I just know that all those girls with red dreadlocks and cowboy hats are watching the news and getting ideas for their Burning Man theme camps.

Meanwhile, when I was caught in traffic snarls last night trying to avoid police barricades and running over manhole covers I couldn’t see, I tried to tune in to some news, to find out what streets were closed –or anything. But I found nothing. That is, unless you consider the Focus on the Family broadcast on pornography nothing. I admit, I was rapt listening to "two godly men" raving about the evils of pornography, and how "this filth makes our children vulnerable." "The bondage of pornography." It was almost like audio porn, the way these guys were getting worked up talking about kids and porn, and telling folks to get on their knees and pray for the souls of porn addicts, and people who work for General Motors. You read that right, General Motors, the car company.

You see, what had Dr. Jerry Kirk and Mr. Rick Schatz’s panties in a bunch was the not-new revelation that a GM subsidiary is part of cable companies that include adult channels. And these upstanding men have decided that they will pull together "God’s army" against pornography, and have created a downloadable petition for the righteous (or the paranoid, or the repressed, or the unhappy, or those who want to conceal the only thing that makes them feel all squooshy and warm and orgasmic and cosmic and at peace for just one second). This petition will go to Bush and Ashcroft, and urges them to prosecute anyone involved in the distribution of porn. I dug deeper to find out why they think porn is bad, and they say that it makes you a porn addict because it makes you (gasp!) masturbate, and they go into detail about how child molesters use porn to lure little kids, in case you were wondering how to do it yourself. What’s that guy a doctor of, anyway?

So that’s the war in my hometown, and the war on porn. I guess I’ll stay home and watch some "filth" on my TV. Here’s my hot list of wartime porn:

Take Her Down! Lesbian Hot Oil Wrestling: Now these are the battles I’d most like to wage. Watch a real cat fight here.

Conflict: Porn stars fight and fuck with equal abandon — tense and hot, and oh, once those lines are drawn in the sand they’re trounced with shiny high heels and covered in spunk.

Flashpoint: Though I’m not a huge Jenna Jameson fan, the sex is hot and firemen and all their gear here is incendiary.

Hearts and Minds: >A full-on war theme, but a great naughty nurse scene, and nice retro styling for this series of vignettes about soldiers missing their sweethearts.

Club Sin: Like the Fight Club, but it’s busty porn stars and they fuck instead of fighting. Works for me!

Don’t beat yourself up watching the news show the same scenes over and over, telling you nothing. Learn how to really beat people up — and spank them, whip them, tie ’em up and more, all in ways that turn everyone on. Check out BDSM master Ernest Greene’s series, Fetish FAQ. Besides, I know you’re a pervert and already have plenty of duct tape and plastic sheeting.

LA Blue Girl is an explicit animated Hentai flick (Japanese) where supernatural war is waged between the powers of good an evil, with lots of weird sex with strange creatures, and the final battle is a sexual endurance test.

The Screaming Orgasms series might just drown out those helicopters, which are still flying by my house as I write this. If not, all those hot young gals masturbating and having real orgasms will certainly make me feel like joining in and using Focus on the Family’s petition to clean up with afterward. Okay, that’s crude. But it’s been a strange 24 hours here. I’m going to go hop on my motorcycle now and see what’s going on down there.

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