War Porn

I happen to live in a neighborhood in San Francisco that has an amazing view — not hard in a city with dozens of hills. I can see downtown quite easily with my binoculars, which is why today was frustrating. I knew that war protesters were going to "shut down the city," and Good Vibrations even closed all locations in anticipation of the chaos. The protesters actually started the shutdown last night at 5pm, and today it’s a huge mess, and they’re reporting little of it on the news, hence my frustration. I’m getting updates from folks who get caught in it by accident (and me, too) — there’s something going on in every downtown neighborhood, it seems, and the chaos randomly moves around. I can see some of it from my vantage point.

It’s weird. The city is like a ghost town in the outer neighborhoods, and a war zone downtown: in SOMA, the financial district, the waterfront and in the Mission. But on TV, it’s fuzzy pictures of nothing — while five helicopters hover half a mile from my house and 1400 people are arrested. And I just know that all those girls with red dreadlocks and cowboy hats are watching the news and getting ideas for their Burning Man theme camps.

Meanwhile, when I was caught in traffic snarls last night trying to avoid police barricades and running over manhole covers I couldn’t see, I tried to tune in to some news, to find out what streets were closed –or anything. But I found nothing. That is, unless you consider the Focus on the Family broadcast on pornography nothing. I admit, I was rapt listening to "two godly men" raving about the evils of pornography, and how "this filth makes our children vulnerable." "The bondage of pornography." It was almost like audio porn, the way these guys were getting worked up talking about kids and porn, and telling folks to get on their knees and pray for the souls of porn addicts, and people who work for General Motors. You read that right, General Motors, the car company.

You see, what had Dr. Jerry Kirk and Mr. Rick Schatz’s panties in a bunch was the not-new revelation that a GM subsidiary is part of cable companies that include adult channels. And these upstanding men have decided that they will pull together "God’s army" against pornography, and have created a downloadable petition for the righteous (or the paranoid, or the repressed, or the unhappy, or those who want to conceal the only thing that makes them feel all squooshy and warm and orgasmic and cosmic and at peace for just one second). This petition will go to Bush and Ashcroft, and urges them to prosecute anyone involved in the distribution of porn. I dug deeper to find out why they think porn is bad, and they say that it makes you a porn addict because it makes you (gasp!) masturbate, and they go into detail about how child molesters use porn to lure little kids, in case you were wondering how to do it yourself. What’s that guy a doctor of, anyway?

So that’s the war in my hometown, and the war on porn. I guess I’ll stay home and watch some "filth" on my TV. Here’s my hot list of wartime porn:

Take Her Down! Lesbian Hot Oil Wrestling: Now these are the battles I’d most like to wage. Watch a real cat fight here.

Conflict: Porn stars fight and fuck with equal abandon — tense and hot, and oh, once those lines are drawn in the sand they’re trounced with shiny high heels and covered in spunk.

Flashpoint: Though I’m not a huge Jenna Jameson fan, the sex is hot and firemen and all their gear here is incendiary.

Hearts and Minds: >A full-on war theme, but a great naughty nurse scene, and nice retro styling for this series of vignettes about soldiers missing their sweethearts.

Club Sin: Like the Fight Club, but it’s busty porn stars and they fuck instead of fighting. Works for me!

Don’t beat yourself up watching the news show the same scenes over and over, telling you nothing. Learn how to really beat people up — and spank them, whip them, tie ’em up and more, all in ways that turn everyone on. Check out BDSM master Ernest Greene’s series, Fetish FAQ. Besides, I know you’re a pervert and already have plenty of duct tape and plastic sheeting.

LA Blue Girl is an explicit animated Hentai flick (Japanese) where supernatural war is waged between the powers of good an evil, with lots of weird sex with strange creatures, and the final battle is a sexual endurance test.

The Screaming Orgasms series might just drown out those helicopters, which are still flying by my house as I write this. If not, all those hot young gals masturbating and having real orgasms will certainly make me feel like joining in and using Focus on the Family’s petition to clean up with afterward. Okay, that’s crude. But it’s been a strange 24 hours here. I’m going to go hop on my motorcycle now and see what’s going on down there.

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