No more Palin porn, kthxbye!


Image of Lisa Ann as Serra Paylin in Hustler’s “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” via sacrificio19, but Hustler has hardcore stills, if you want to spend the next four years scrubbing your eye sockets with brillo pads and figuring out how to actually put your brain in an autoclave to get the images out.

This week’s SF Chronicle column is a darling — No More Palin Porn, Please – Violet Blue: Just close your eyes and think of Tina Fey. No, rly. I can’t take it anymore. It’s one of my favorite columns this year, and you *know* you want to laugh and cry along with me… And I can’t believe I wrote about licking pussy in teh Chronic and they didn’t snuff it. w00t! Snip:

I don’t know about you, dear readers, but I reached Palin porn exhaustion about a month ago.

I was being sent Palin porn links from the most unlikely people. Local UC professors. A librarian. A Google employee. People I thought didn’t give a whit about Palin or porn. They e-mailed me links by the handful, by the score.

For some reason, everyone thought I’d want Palin porn. I did not. Tina Fey in latex? I’d risk a virus for that.

Pundits have been calling Palin sexy and a “MILF” since August, lock-stepping behind Comedy Central’s “Indecision 2008” blog post that described the then-newly minted Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin as being “as MILFy as they come.” But the thought of seeing Miss You Betcha wearing nothing but her glasses and a rifle made me afraid to even check my phone messages, let alone my e-mail. I’d survived “Operation Desert Stormy,” “The Eliot Spitz-Her Story” and “Hillary [Scott] For President” (“She’ll do anything to get your vote!”); they each had me convinced that if anyone wanted to quit their enjoyment of porn forever, no Internet filters or prayer was needed.

But the unending tide of Palin porn seems to me to be much more than pointing at a candidate and saying, heh, I saw her play flute in a bikini. Sexist? Too simple an answer — Palin’s platforms are sex-negative, and they were made for walking all over your rape kits, gay marriage and science-based sex education in public schools. She hunts and makes a lot of babies; this bitch is a fertile dominatrix. She’s a powerful woman because of her virility, so you can’t take it away by making her more sexual. The porning of Palin is more than attempts to strip a female politician of power by sexualizing her; in fact, it’s had the opposite effect and her party hasn’t backed away from the oozing MILFiness, something we noticed when watching the debates at The Hat Factory and everyone remarked that Palin was indeed showing some cleavage for the first time as a nominee.

I think, perhaps, that we are a nation as depressed as our economy. Everyone knows that in chronic depression, one of the first things to go is the sex drive. We must not let it destroy us. As Americans, we deserve better porn. If a MILF shall lead us, it will be to the dry desert of celibacy. Trust me. I’ve seen Palin porn.

By the 5th or 6th link I was seeing really, really painfully awful Photoshop renditions of the Alaska governor atop various gentlemen (thanks to “Impalin’ Palin”), or illustrations of her grinning bespectacled maw atop a naked cartoon-MILF body: artistic whimsy that’ll have me avoiding sockeye salmon for at least the next four to eight years. Or inflatable beach toys, as in the case of Topco’s “This Is NOT Sarah Palin” blow-up love doll (“Sarah Palin makes sexism sexy. Cross party lines with your own inflatable running mate!”). (…read more, )

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Things I did *not* buy at the Good Vibes sample sale

Left to right: Sex Cab for Cutie; The Pursuit of Happy Ass; MILF Street Blues; Thighs Wide Open; Fast Fuck Nation; The Boobs of Hazzard 1 and 2; and Acockalipto.

Also, Good Vibes gave me a cone for testing and reviewing. The Cone scares me. I made a video of my cone-phobia that I’ll edit tomorrow — and Alex offered up his feelings about The Cone, unsolicited.

* And no, that image is not on Flickr.

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Top Ten Sexy Geeks 2006

They start out as the quiet ones — and they might even stay that way. But somehow, that hot, throbbing brain and unquenchable thirst to totally nerd out on their tech fetish transforms them into… the kind of hot geek that stops you in your tracks. You know that if you opened their skull, their brain would pop out like an airbag — and that those keyboard-weary fingers could stroke you to Nirvana and back all night long.

Sexy geeks, this is my tribute to you. I got lots and lots of nominations again this year (thank you!), but my list is still my own personal hand-picked list of GILFs (Geeks I’d Like to Fuck) — let’s play ‘hide the handheld’ indeed. As usual, celebrities are exempt because it’s almost impossible to know if they are doing their own tech or fabrication and real geeks seldom get celebrity recognition — because they’re so busy being their hot selves, of course. That said, there are a couple this year whose home/dir I wouldn’t mind groping, namely John Hodgman, Kari Byron and Kevin Pereira. Well-known GILFs, for sure, but ones who could seduce the panties off me while simply reading the ingredients list off my Liquid Silk bottle. Rrrow.

There were just too many hot GILF noms — runners-up include:
* Kurt Collins, Photobucket hottie
* Gina Trapani, sexpot Lifehacker
* Phillip Torrone, Make editor — sexy gadget hacker + vibrators = drool
* Matt Sanchez, Videoegg — “he can cook my eggs sunny side up”
* Leah Culver, etched Mac girl and Instructables hotness
* Charles Hope, yummy Blip.tv boy
* Janus Friis, Skype co-founder, now Venice Project, way too cute
* The Slackmistress, very lickable tech/sex/blog babe

ninjaeyes.jpg10. The Ninja! (Southern California, exact location dangerously unknown)
Those eyes, those eyes! They haunt and seduce, and dear jeezuz slathered in wasabi and sitting on a bed of rice — what power lies beneath all that sexy black fabric!? He’s obviously got a brain, he’s got the ninja moves to make girls (and a few boys I know) shudder in fear and delight, and make us all wonder — are ninjas celibate? Or are they like Mormons and have like 20 wives? Or at least a few adoring ninja groupies? We can only hope he’ll be killing us softly sometime soon.

nerdprondie.jpg9. Anna Logue (in UR hard drive, hacking UR panties)
Earlier this year I wrote on Fleshbot, “Sexy geeklet Anna Logue rubs our motherboards in all the right ways. Unlike many other ‘geek girl’ sites where topless coders are the exception rather than the rule, Anna gets down and dirty with everything from stylesheets to between-the-sheets (and beyond) exhibitionistic sex play. Plus, any self-described ‘dorky, nerdy, bisexual, polyamorous’ bookworm who fills out a pair of white cotton panties can hack our hard drives any day of the week.” Anna describes herself as “I am a voracious reader and when I’m not in class I like to while away my time doing crossword and sudoku puzzles, reading comic books, tinkering with new linux distros, and gaming. I’m really not all that different from you! 😉 I’m a student pursuing a philosophy degree, so when I’m not hitting the books, I’m getting naked for all and sundry to see in my little corner of the web. (…) I designed and coded the site myself, and work on it a lot. I answer all my emails (members get same-day responses!) and do all the work. You won’t find any bureaucracy here – just me, naked and in the flesh, and I think that’s the way porn should be. I am a sex-positive, porn-positive feminist, and I love porn (I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t!), but I get tired of seeing the same 10 chicks with fake tits and bored looks, and I am determined to put a nerdy new face on porn and share it with you.” She *is* nerdpr0n!

girz0d.jpg8. girlz 0f destruction (Sweden, House of Chrome)
This all-female international gaming team live in a training facility in Sweden, they will most certainly kick your ass and reduce you to a grateful blubbering mess at their beautiful and nimble fingertips — heavy accent on the beautiful. Most of them are drop-dead gorgeous — but don’t confuse the sugar with the napalm, if you know what I mean — because they mean business. As in, taking regular prizes from Quakecons around the globe, from Singapore to Russia to… San Francisco. Check out hottie mchot Ana, whose bio states that her favorite “Person to own: The one that wants to fight me” and babe-a-licious MILF Liliana Vasquez.

7. Kevin Rose (San Francisco, California)
Wikipedia tells us he’s also “known as ‘the dark tipper’ for giving hacking advice, etc) is best known for founding the social-bookmarking site Digg and as former co-host of the TechTV show The Screen Savers (later Attack of the Show! on G4) until his departure from the network in May 2005. He attended UNLV for computer science, but dropped out to pursue the 90’s tech boom. After dropping out, he worked for the Department of Energy, where he was a technology advisor and held a Level L security clearance.” Um, whatever. The emo hair and cute smile slay, from Scott’s Laughing Squid photos of him to the Vloggies, where he actually participates in the local tech community — menaing, he’s cute *and* human. h4wt! (photo of Rose with Irina Slutsky by Laughing Squid)

coulter6.jpg6. Audacia Ray (Brooklyn, New York)
It’s a bit nepotistic because we both write for Fleshbot, but damn, the uber-sexy Waking Vixen is on fire this year — she’s currently working on Naked on the Internet, a nonfiction book about “female sexuality and the internet, including chapters on dating/hooking up; sex blogging; sex worker advertising and networking; wives and girlfriends of partners who indulge in sexual activities online; sexual health and online support communities; and technology that enables physical sexual encounters”. She’s self-described as “I am a New Yorker, writer, sex worker rights advocate, alternative model, safer sex educator and intrepid pervert. I’m an Executive Editor of $pread, a magazine exploring the sex industry from a workers’ perspective, winner of the 2005 Utne Independent Press Award for Best New Title. I recently directed my first adult feature, The Bi Apple, which will be released by Adam & Eve Pictures in early 2007.” (photo by Bob Coulter)

289293291_acb4fcfae2.jpg5. Mike Hudack (New York)
Founder and CEO of video sharing site Blip.tv, Hudack was nominated more than once (actual quote from an emailer: “serious unapologetic nyc video geek, hot as fuck”), for lots of good reasons. Cute and smart, with a wonderful baritone voice that I’ve heard more than once coming from behind a podium onstage excitedly exclaiming with pride about Blip’s community-conscious business model, or the many incredible videoblogs Blip stands behind, like Alive in Baghdad. He was a kewt teen hacker (and will kill me for posting that link, I’m sure) and now he’s running a video site that’s thinking so far ahead of sites like YouTube (koff) that it’s exciting to see where he and Blip will break new ground next. A sexy geek, indeed. (photo by Laughing Squid)

195780842_14cbaf849f_m.jpg4. Micki Krimmel (Los Angeles, California)
Mikipedia is teh cuteness!!! She’s Director of Community at Revver, and claims to be into “online community, activism and social change, politics, film, art and media, open source everything, all night dance parties and boys.” Okay, so “girls” isn’t on the list, but she’s still my vlog-crush, especially because she’s a longtime writer for Worldchanging.com, where she waxes about “global film, new tools for production and distribution and the democratization of the filmmaking process.” She likes chocolate too, so I can maybe woo her with truffles at the next Vloggercon.

289751988_9bb6913aff.jpg3. Casey McKinnon and Rudy Jachnan (Canada)
How can a couple be a “sexy geek”? While it’s in the realm of possibility that they have role-played being Siamese twins attached at **something naughty**, Casey and Rudy of award-winning vlog Galacticast fame are undoubtedly the hottest couple — geek couple, even — on Al Gore’s internet. And the other internet, too. They started out maiking the much-loved Ms. Kitka’s Kitkast, back in the days when video blogging was pretty much unheard of, and now have not just a major hit on their geeky hands, but keep the rest of us happy by coming up with some reason on each episode to get their clothes off. If this is the future of videoblogging, I need a custom drool cup for my keyboard.
Update: don’t miss Casey and Rudy’s hilarious tribute to this list (and their #3 spot on it, VIDEO: SEXY.

186755070_682dc896cb.jpg2. Ze Frank (Brooklyn, New York)
How could a thousand-mile nonblinking stare on a videoblogger be so sexy? It shouldn’t — it should be very, very creepy, especially when combined with the Billy Idol sneer — but instead it’s unsettlingly… hot. Especially when combined with his huge *wit* and irresistibly tight *editing*. Wikipedia tells us that Ze Frank graduated from Brown University in 1995 with a degree in neuroscience, may have a sister, is a dancer and a guitar player and that he has friends. It does not mention his duck fetish, so I think the Wikipedia entry is a fabrication. One thing’s for sure: he’s funny, smart, cute and totally understands what he’s doing, the context of his media, the bullshit that keeps “old media” (“dirty media”) in business and isn’t afraid to say something about it — something often painfully, truthfully funny. He makes Jon Stewart look like a dino.
(sexy open shirt photo by LeKriz)

1. Jennifer Granick (San Francisco, California)
Bust out the old floppies and start fanning yourself — Jennifer Granick, badazz cyberlawyer is the number one sexy geek of 2006. Wiki sez she’s, “Executive Director at the Center for Internet and Society [Stanford]. She is best known for her work with Intellectual Property law, free speech, privacy, and other things relating to computer security, and has represented several high profile hackers. She also writes a regular column for Wired News. (…) Granick has been a speaker at conferences such as Def Con and ShmooCon, and has also spoken at the National Security Agency as well as to other law enforcement officials.” Um, and Wiki forgot to mention that she’s fucking fierce, funny, and HOT. She was even involved with the extremely controversial Chris Soghoian’s Boarding Pass Generator.

Update: omg, I just got home and this list is on the front page of Digg, #3 in their top ten, to be precise. Wow! Eddie dugg it — and whoah, look at all the comments…
2342 Diggs and counting… more updates and links to this list: Valleywag HOTTIES: List of lists, Forbes Digital Download blog Geeks Are Hot, Galacticast VIDEO: SEXY, Supr.c.ilio.us: The Blog Top 10 Sexiest Greek Letters, Fleshbot Wet Spots.

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