You never know the true agenda of anyone, and though the woman I worked with on the CNN segment was very cool, smart and supportive, still, while the tape was running she threw in a surprise question about porn and exploitation of women. I think that is the one time I smiled; it sounds weird to have smiled at that moment, but I had a feeling it would happen. I think I answered okay on the spot, it’s just the same tired old stereotypical questions about porn, anyway. If I go on to the CNN bonus round for a point/counterpoint debate, which has been talked about, then I’m sure I’ll get all sorts of lovely leftover-from-the-1950s questions about porn and rape, and child exploitation and animal porn. You know, the stuff those conservatives stay up all night hoping really exists.

We’ll see. I stressed about this interview, and studied CNN beforehand to see how everyone looks and behaves. First, everyone looks like their panties are painfully pinching off circulation to their tender bits. No problem: the shooting pain in my back and neck gave me the perfect glassy rectal-thermometer-made-of-ice look. I observed that yellow and blue look terrible on TV; I solved this with a fitted pinstripe suit and white wifebeater. I noted that on MSNBC, everyone’s hair and makeup is the same as in 1989; my hip hired-gun gay stylist, who looks like a sexy Mr. Clean, gave me a romantic 60s look. On a side note, I also observed that on CNN, it is absolutely okay to look totally baked if you are Donald Trump. I probably look a bit baked right now as I write this, but lemme tell ya, I got nothin’ and no interns to fire.

The interview took all of ten minutes when all was said and done. I did have fun going into the studio, and upon seeing the fake illuminated panorama of San Francisco on the wall behind my chair, I chirped, "Cool! This is just like the Daily Show!" They did not think that was as funny as I did. But I was stoked. I *love* fake news, and am thrilled to be part of it all.

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Nervous Squeaks

I may not get to post very much this week as things have gotten a little crazy. I feel like that scene in The Jerk (actually I feel like most of the scenes in The Jerk most of the time) where Steve Martin sees his name in the phone book and says "Things are going to start happening to me *now*!" I had a long interview with Glamour magazine because they did a sex survey about what women are experimenting with sexually, and it turns out that more women use/consume/experiment with porn than with anal sex, threesomes or even sex toys. Wow — of course I had a lot to say. And then, as it turns out, CNN is serious in their intentions and are taping me this week. So I’m pretty much just holding myself and rocking in the corner, and when I’m not doing that I’m alphabetizing my entire porn collection in ten different bizarre ways, or folding and re-folding all my panties and socks, or organizing my sex toy collection by color, size and creating special categories like "space alien buttplugs." You know, the usual, but with occasional nervous squeaks. Then this morning, a troublemaker in LA sends me this email:

> On page 125 of the July issue of Esquire Magazine (this month’s, which has a picture of Lance Armstrong on the cover) there’s a supposedly funny humor piece that’s a spoof of the page for Bill Clinton’s new autobiography. And in the section that’s called "Customers who bought this book also bought:" the first book listed is "The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio….by Violet Blue."

Yay! Now some tea, a shower (it’s hot here in SF), and back to my Star Trek buttplugs. In the meantime, check out this totally awesome new blog, God’s Wife.

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Tofu Crack

I have decided that I want to work for PETA, because apparently if you work there you get to smoke crack all day long: Bikini Tofu Wrestling *** Superbowl Impotence Ad

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National Penis Month

Woo-hoo! It’s National Penis Month over at ErosBlog, and while I visit Bacchus’ site daily, you know where I’ll be hanging out all month sipping cocktails and chatting up a few stiff pricks — chez Bacchus, of course! While you’re clicking links, be sure to hit this link on Amazon that Thomas send me this morning — be sure to click on the link and read all six reviews and I assure you whatever you are drinking will shoot out your nose because you are laughing so hard.

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Demon Depositories of Oral Sex

I just can’t resist: Oral Sex is a Dangerous and Deadly New Trend. "Oral sex is like playing Russian roulette, but instead of holding a steel gun to your head, you are placing a gun made of skin into your mouth." Love the ad that reads "Accept Christ and get a free Playstation 2."

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