Welcome to San Francisco

As my dear friend Chriso aptly puts it, “Run for your life — it’s that Cher song again!” That’s right, this weekend is SF Gay Pride, one of the weekends here where (literally) buttloads of tourists visit to celebrate, drink, get laid, feel really good about the world, feel really sad about the world, and throw up in the street by my house. Oh, and they play that fucking Cher song a lot. Read this hilarious and spot-on essay by Heather Gold (via cutie David) to get yourself in the proper, slightly off-kilter Pride mood. I’ve had a lot of people email me with fun recommendations for my upcoming visit to London, so I’d like to return the favor, as it were.

I always cry at least once over Pride weekend because I get so choked up about how good I have it here, and many events and experiences conspire to reflect the beauty and strength of the human spirit. (I like long walks on the beach and holding hands, too, if you must know. I also like industrial accidents.) But then again, I cry when I watch reruns of Buffy, yet I think so do most of the hundreds of thousands of people celebrating gay pride in my city this weekend. I’m so grateful for it; the rest of America scares the shit out of me right now. I just hope we get fewer bomb threats this year.

So, as a native San Franciscan, bi-girl and semi-professional drunk, I’d like to welcome everyone with a little guide to my city, and a pathetic, pointless plea to lay off the Cher and “Hollaback Girl”, whatever the fuck that is.

Find yourself. Get your free wifi here. You can get local news/weather from SFGate, but they are very slow and conservative, so get your local culture/news from the potty-mouthed boozers at SFist. Do visit SF Gate’s Pride Page for events, places to stay, and their own “best” lists. Eros Guide has a wee writeup, too.

You’ll need this: Pride events calendar; Pride celebraiton map; San Francisco by neighborhood; Castro map, downtown map

Make a plan and follow it loosely, like your booty. For events and goings-on, pick up one or more of these free papers: Guardian, SF Weekly (Weakly), Bay Times (Gay Times), or a Pride Guide (the Pride Guide is super-basic). Pick and choose your nighttime activities; my complaint with the nightlife in San Francisco (other than the dearth of clubs) is that it’s very separtist — straight bars, a few lesbian bars, lots of gay bars, but very few mixed clubs. Check out events at the Center for Sex and Culture, Good Vibes, and the LGBT Center.

How to get around like the slut you are. You didn’t rent a car, did you? Oh no, you didn’t. If you’re in a car, you will see SF through a dirty windshield of anger, confusion and frustration, as portions of the city will be blocked off or simply impassable all weekend long. Leave your car on Market @ Castro Saturday after 3pm and it will get towed; don’t even think of parking it around downtown. Just ditch the car and take the MUNI underground, MUNI bus or beautiful vintage MUNI railcar ($1.25) — or hail a cab. SF is only seven miles square, so in many cases you might be able to just walk to your destination if you get frustrated. I always wear stylish walking shoes and carry my sky-high fetish heels; switch when you get to the party or club and check your shoes with your coat. You’ll be glad you did.

If cabbing, expect to pay around $10-$12 to get from one place to another; more if it’s Saturday night, and actually don’t even think you can get a cab (even if you call) Saturday night, unless you’re staying at a hotel with a taxi stand. Either way, get yourself a little map and familiarize yourself with the neighborhoods Castro, Haight, Lower Haight, Hayes Valley, Downtown and SOMA.

Eating is sexy; I’ve got recommendations in the pride-centric neighborhoods:

You’re in the Castro and you’re starving. Asqew is cheap, fast and good and has lots for vegetarians. Pasta Pomodoro is another highly recommended chain with yummy food; whole wheat pasta and lo-carb options as well. Just a Bite (Castro @ Market) has cheap walk-out pies and savory food; Fuzio’s is slightly fancier with excellent Italian/Asian fare and great cocktails. Nirvana is hands-down my haunt, though while not cheap has some really incredible Asian fusion creations, lots of vegan and veggie options and cocktails that will spank you, hard (I really like their Mango Mai Tai). The sushi at Osaka Sushi is some of the best in the city — my nipples are getting hard just thinking about their maguro/mango/shiso leaf roll dotted with kiwi/citrus/white wine sauce. Thailand Restaurant is a few doors down, and upstairs so you get an amazing view of the street, and they have superb Thai food. For fancy food I also like Tangerine and 2223 (which has sublime sunday brunch and kick-ass Bloody Mary’s). Squat and Gobble is a local chain with good prices and good food; rely on them, especially for great breakfast omlettes. Also don’t miss Chow, and World Sausage on Market has a zillion sausages (5-6 veggie options) and over a hundred beers, and low prices. Bombay India has decent Indian food, though not the best. Lime has very stylish mini-food and has been doing a drag party brunch on sundays. Breakfast/brunch in the Castro is going to be hell all weekend long; instead go to the Haight or Mission. My secret on busy weekends like this is to hop on the MUNI underground at Market and Castro and get on any inbound train. Two stops and I’m in West Portal; across the street from the station is a huge Squat and Gobble that is usually empty. The whole trip takes five minutes and costs $1.25.

Here is a general list of Castro restaurants.

You’re in the Haight and your blood sugar is plummeting. Hippies are closing in — noooo! Hurry and get to the best deli/cafe in SF, The Blue Front Cafe, where I’ve been a regular for over 10 years — cheap, with great coffee, salads, dolmas and hummus, out of this world falafels and sandwiches. If they’re too crowded, cross the street and get something from People’s Cafe — a little more hippie but good. El Balazo and Zona Rosa have drop-dead delicious Mexican food (mostly burritos). All You Knead had depressingly bad food; instead go to Squat and Gobble right nearby (there’s one in Lower Haight, too). The best brunch is at The Pork Store, which does have pork but also lots of options for veggies. For a delightful dinner get some African food at Massawa; the cheaper (and just as delicious) version is Axum Cafe, where I’ve gone for a decade for their beautiful smiles, terrific food and strong African beer. The best Thai food in SF is in Lower Haight at Thep Phenom — make a reservation.

Hungry in the Mission? If it’s brunch time, visit the other, bigger location of The Pork Store — it has a larger menu and lots of seating, with all kinds of weird/cool veggie options. I also love brunch at Boogaloos, though the wait can be long and it’s way too loud if you’re hung over. For dinner in the Mish, I like the Chinese food at Yum Yum House (they deliver for free) and the French specialties (savory crepes/seafood) at Ti Couz. I don’t eat in the Mission much in the evenings because I hate trendy eateries and it’s full of them (they never stay around long, either). The Mission is a mixed bag; some parts are totally str8 trendy-unfriendly, there are lots of dykes and artists and also plenty of trust-fund babies slumming it. All in the middle of a mostly poor-working class Latino neighborhood actively struggling with poverty and crime. On one street is velevt ropes and valet parking; two blocks over gangs and really sad young crack whores and junkies, all of which will break your jaw if they’re in the mood (this happened to a friend of mine). It’s not very safe for women at night, and I get hassled by guys on the street during the day. But there is some really awesone street art; also I’ve never been to Foreign Cinema but I hear the food is really good, and the snacks at the Oxygen Bar are good but what you really want to go there for is to try the oxygen and to see the weird people getting drunk while hooked up to oxygen tanks.

Hungry downtown? Expect to pay; don’t eat the overpriced Pride food unless you’re really desperate. My secret spots are Boudin Bakery (mediocre sandwiches, soup), Tony Baloney’s (1098 Howard st.; cheap and good falafel and sandwiches), the Sony Metreon has a remarkably great food court tucked in the back with all kinds of good food. Also there’s a huge Whole Foods with salad bar and fresh food; a Harvest Market with the same (191 8th @ Howard).

My favorite restaurants roundup:

Best coffee: Castro Cheesery (Castro)
Thai: Thep Phenom (Lower Haight)
Sushi: Tsunami — ginger sake and yummy ultra-hip artsy sushi (Western Addition)
Deli/Cafe: The Blue Front Cafe (Upper Haight)
Outdoor cafe: Cafe Flore (Castro)
Brunch: Savor (in yuppie hell, Noe Vally district; so worth it)
Chinese: Yum Yum House (Mission)
Pizza: Goat Hill Pizza (Potrero/SOMA)
French: Ti Couz (Mission)
Seafood: Catch (Castro)
Fancy, sexy and delicious: Millennium (Downtown)
Money is no object: The Slanted Door; Zuni Cafe (Waterfront; Middle Market)
Money is a big deal: Zona Rosa‘s and Asqew (Upper Haight; Castro)
Super-fun tranny performances and great Asian food/cocktails: Asia SF (SOMA)

Classic HTML page of San Francisco vegetarian restaurants here.

Let’s talk about sex and shopping, baby. First, shoes. San Francisco is a shoe mecca. The Haight is a shoe sophisticate’s wet dream, from cheap fetish shoes to bizarre Japanese creations and beyond to drag queen shoetopia. I like Fluevog’s, Luichiny (1529 Haight), Shoe Biz, Daljeets (fetish), and Piedmont (your absolute one-stop drag queen stripper shop). Men looking for great men’s shoes should shop in the Castro, especially at De La Sole.

You dress like a ho if you’re doing it right. Piedmont is a nice place for slutty stripperwear and they have every kind of pastie you can imagine, but I find them overpriced for clothing I hope gets ripped off me later, so I go down the street to Goth/fetish New York Apparel (lots of the same stuff, cheaper, plus Lip Service clothes), who also has a huge selection of inexpensive tights and legwear.

Fetish, rubber, corset, leather and S/M pervs need to pay a requisite visit to Dark Garden, Stormy Leather and Mr. S Leathers (awesome leatherfag shop); across the street is Madame S (women’s boutique).

Be prepared for sex at all times. You must pay a visit to one Good Vibrations store; they have the best selection of harnesses and dildos and dirty/erotic books in town. For cheap lube (and more kinds than you’d ever imagine), visit any of the porn stores in the Castro — there’s a lube price war going on, people, and many of these stores are taking a loss with their low prices just to get people in the door. Take advantage. To get cheap vibrators, you’ll find some in the boy-centric Castro shops, but the real bargains and selection are in North Beach at “adult bookstores” sugh as Big Al’s (556 Broadway) and Adult Media (Kearney & Clay). Also visit famed local LGBT bookstore A Different Light for books and magazines both naughty and cool.

Get a lap dance for your strap-on. You’ll want to visit North Beach anyway, because it’s cool and beautiful, has the awesome Cafe Prague, and my favorite strip club is there, the Hungry I. The Hungry I is a fairly typical strip joint but is couples’ and women-friendly and no silicone in sight. The women tend to be friendly and not-skinny, sometimes Goth and tattooed. The Lusty Lady is a peep show with hot, smart women, but if you want cheap and fun lapdances where you can get drunk (on overpriced swill), get your dyke ass over to the Hungry I (and bring me!). We have a couple all-male strip clubs of note which are primarily for a gay male clientele, but are generally friendly toward women, bois and mixed-gender couples — they endure bachelorette parties, so they’re seasoned enough to appreciate any clientele that is polite, isn’t screaming in their faces, and tips well. I’ve waited on performers from Nob Hill Adult Theatre, and I grilled them on these topics… again, if you go, take me with you!

Visit a sex club, or three. But what you want is a sex club? Look at this list on Eros Guide for an assortment of local sex clubs and bars; here is Eros Guide’s complete San Francisco listings of everything from massage to shopping. The Power Exchange is a giant three-floor sex club (top floor men only; bottom floor dungeon spaces and theme rooms for all genders/orientations but primarily str8 and MTF trans); no alcohol is served and I don’t recommend that women wind up around outside the club alone after dark. For dungeon play, visit The Citadel (women’s night friday); also check out this (sadly poorly written) guide to local lesbian and dyke bars and don’t forget Wild Side West in your travels. If you’re a gay man looking to have sex in SF, well, you’re *so* going to get laid. I’m not a gay man (outside the bedroom) so I’m not hip on all the gay sex clubs, but I have heard fun stories about Eros and Blow Buddies. Check this list for gay leather bars. There are dozens of gay bars, especially in the Castro and in SOMA, so you’ll have your pick by flavor and mood — and contoversy. Here’s a nice guide to gay male SF, especially bars; here’s one for LGT.

If you’re looking for fun MTF tranny bars, you’ll want to hit Polk street for Diva’s (Motherlode is downstairs), Esta Noche, the End Up, and The Stud is home to tuesday night’s Trannyshack so you’ll be treated warmly there as well — for some serious girl trouble, check out Hecklina’s site.

Do something during the day. Lastly, if you find yourself on saturday wanting to have a truly lovely San Francisco experience, I highly recommend that you visit the Farmers’ market at the gorgeous Ferry Building Marketplace downtown on the water. Incredible views will make the coffee and pastry you just bought taste that much yummier, and it’s just amazing to wander around all the shops and ogle all the sexy fresh produce. If it’s art you’re looking for, do not miss the Shooting Gallery’s 3rd Annual Erotic Art Show (huge potfolio online) — it’s incredible. For the *hardcore* fetishists, the SF Apple store downtown is kinda like that, too.

My big plan so far:
Trans march, Sisters of Perpertual Indulgence stalking, Ex-Boyfriends at Cafe DuNord friday night; saturday going to a house party, maybe seeing Pepperspray at Cafe DuNord, possibly going dancing at The Cafe if I can get in, getting drunk, having some kind of sexual adventure. Sunday, taking my hangover to the Civic Center after parade time, meeting up with friends, mooching maragritas.

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I fucked Judith Regan in the ass, hard

Of course, I’m thinking of this.

But only because of this. Soon, for a mere $27.95 you’ll be able to wipe your ass with the mental product of two totally batshit women, and one (or two) ghostwriters whose resultant ethical corprophilia surely will make a few New York dominatrixes wealthy. That’s it, Judith, bring everyone down to your level. Good job making your questionable line of sex advice books look even more questionable with this stunning addition to your team of “authors”. And people ask me why I haven’t published with a major… Hey, I’ll always have socks with holes in them with my indy publishers and my outsider bestsellers, but I at least have my chihuahua-free dignity. You know Ms. Regan is Rupert Murdoch’s bitch, right?

*Update* The geeks with the *big* *sexy* *brains* over at LibertyGuys.org wrote me, “Actually I didn’t know – I thought Ms. Regan was THIS GUY’s bitch;

http://www.libertyguys.org/articles/detail.asp?ArtID=438” Eeeew!

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New podcast

Check it out, along with a bunch of other exciting supplementary links, on my audio page. And if you like my podcast, please vote for me! Extra-special thanks and hot wet kisses to Frank at Rantoblogcious (cool blog) for sending me a screencap of the correct Garageband settings to fix my audio issues. Yay!

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Stir Crazy + A Rusty Trombone

Love Craigslist. Oh, yes.

Check out the Sexy Podcast roundup I did this week on Fleshbot — there are some really cool shows out there.

Lately I’ve been sitting on the computer for hours and hours and feeling totally stir crazy. I’ve been going out every night as a result, whereas usually I spend my evenings… on the computer working. Last Tuesday night I bailed and surpised Carol and Robert (and a whole naked gay male erotic massage class) at the Center for Sex and Culture, and drank their beer while catching up on gossip and doing a phone interview for Wired.com news — if the article goes up with my comments, it’ll be the seventh time I’ve been in Wired, which I think means they give me a 401K or something. Or at least a subscription that arrives on time would be nice — I got so tired of getting three at a time I decided to never ever subscribe to Wired print again, those jerks. On Wednesday night I got all dressed up like a tarty Laura Croft and danced on a stage with some of the nearly-naked boys in the horn section of the Marching Band until my muscles were sore and I was literally drenched in sweat and beer. After the show I got a tidy spanking from Mark Growden (for being lippy and calling him “Chester the Molester”) and that was very nice, too.

Next weekend is Pride in SF — there should be plenty of things going on to keep me from being too crazy. While I’m so tempted to go to LA (especially since I was informed that if I showed up at COOP’s house in one of my skimpy Marching Band outfits, I’d get locked inside), I’ve agreed to be one of Annie Sprinkle’s sex educators for her Sidewalk Sex Clinic and be interviewed on QTV and stuff to help promote her new book. I’m super flattered (*update*)to be hawkin’ my brainy wares on the street for Ms. Sprinkle. I just think it’s so interesting that Good Vibes picked this SRL photo (greasy, no makeup) for their ad. Everyone really seems to like that photo, which is why I haven’t put something more glam on my blog…

Okay, this post isn’t going anywhere, which kind of reflects my state of mind. Something in my life needs to change, but I don’t know what. About a year or so ago I made a friend in London through my blog, and we’ve been emailing each other infrequently about life and stuff. London Boy told me at one point that if Hornboy and I ever wanted to vist and stay with him we were welcome to — so I decided to take him up on it. Just me. So on total impulse, I just (one hour ago) purchased a ticket to London to visit and stay with someone I met through my blog. Am I crazy? I feel like it. Maybe it’s my new Green Wing addiction (one of the best shows on TV, *ever*). So I’ll be in London with my laptop and fetish heels looking for trouble from July 7-14; if anyone has any recommendations on stuff to do and see, I’d love to hear from you. I picked those dates because (hooray!) I’ve been invited to participate in a roundtable discussion for the EFF on July 19 for their local monthly public event called BayFF; in July the theme is legal issues and blogging (in connection with their new Legal Guide for Bloggers).

Oh — I just got an email from the people in Argentina doing Lengua Latina! Thier videos are a *great* idea (cool music, too)!

*Update* I’m no longer so super-flattered. I just returned from a trip to the bookstore and took a look at Annie’s book. Her book is perfectly fine; I’m just totally insulted that I’m not in her huge list of (two dozen) “Fabulous Sex Educators.” You know that big vulva painting that Annie sticks her head and boobs through for pictures and performances? I painted that. Not the original — that one burned up when her houseboat burned down and she lost everything, including her cats. I took the charred (smelly) remains of the vulva painting and lovingly made her a new one just like the old one — I was asked to. So now when you see this vulva at her events and shows, it’s the one I painted. What hurts more is that while she was writing her new book we traded emails back and forth a few times. I know that doing a favor and having contact about writing and books doesn’t qualify me to be in a list of educators but she lists two of my books in her bilbliography. So I didn’t make the cut, but I’m to be featured at her event, for a company whose marketing manager can’t even say my name out loud without turning green and inflating 100 times her size (I heard that the lady I confronted when I quit flipped her lid when she found out I was invited to be in this event)? Huh. I don’t understand anyone in this scene; maybe it’s the signifigant generation gap. Someone asked me if maybe there was a ghostwriter that didn’t like me? I don’t know, but I know almost everyone’s ghostwriters in the sex writing biz and they all like me — they consult me for their client’s books (and almost always give me a credit or throw me some kind of bone for my info and time).

Maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m pretty confused. Is it any wonder I prefer the comapny of lethal machines?

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Kinky Breadcrumbs

I wake up, I read sex blogs. When I do the Sex Blog Roundup I read everyone’s personal sex blogs, and I often find that several sex bloggers’ sex lives overlap. Little pockets of sex bloggers that know each other meet and have sex with each other in pairs, trios, and fuck parties — or they don’t know one another at all but cross paths and possibly don’t even know it. All over the US and the UK. For instance, a couple weeks ago The Educated Slut was going to have a party, so she got together with Waking Vixen and they advertised on Craigslist for a nasty houseboy to clean her house before the party. Then the party had an after-party orgy, readily enjoyed and blogged by One Life, Take Two and also blogged by Audacia.

It’s all totally fascinating (in addition to being totally arousing). I often think about all the bloggers that are having sex with each other and blogging it, young and old; especially the friend-fuckbuddy kinds, of which there seem to be a lot of among bloggers in my age demographic. Oh, and there is a surprisingly large amount of christian sex blogs too — into S/M, anal, kink… very curious. But at least they get the whole christianity-punishment thing, because I think that if you’re not getting off on feeling dirty, living in fear and getting punished, you’re probably missing the whole point of the religion. Then you’d have to like, hate fags and stuff.

I’m just sitting here looking through my other collection of sex blogs — sex news, celebrity gossip, erotic art, sex and tech, tech and design, online sex magazines, general sex and culture blogs, and all the Japanese, French, Italian, Spanish, Brazilian, Czech and German sex/culture blogs I’ve collected for my “Fleshbot: daily” bookmarks. No, I don’t have them in my Del.icio.us; right now I feel like they’re almost proprietary work tools (especially the foreign ones). As regular readers know, I find a lot of interesting stuff in my travels (like this yummy filth), but since I look at so many blogs in languages I don’t understand, posts that look compelling sometimes take detective work for me to comprehend.

For instance, I regularly visit Shrimp Head, which I can’t read at all, but still find her posts interesting and enjoy following link tangents off her site. Today, she posted about these dolls — neat and cool, but I don’t know what’s so cool about it, other than they are stewardess action figures. Then I click over to MDN: Wai Wai and read about the ANA stewardess uniform change (lame article headline — call us all freaks, whydoncha). Kinky breadcrumbs? Is Shrimp Head into cosplay? Highly likely. Either way, those are some damn sexy dolls.

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Le cunnilingus!

It’s getting ready to hit the stores — the French translation of my Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus, Le Cunnilingus! I have one of the first copies in hand and it’s so exciting; the first of six translations I’m under contract for. The book is beautiful and I’m super-happy to be spreadin’ the love around the world (and it’s all-orientations love — take that, homophobic sex guide writers and Focus on the Family). The illustrations by Kevin Herault are gorgeous, and I want to see about engaging Herault for upcoming books. (Adult comic fans will remember him from a hot and dirty graphic novel called Agape.) I think it’s cute that they snagged a photo from my website for the back cover — I had no idea — though proper credit should go to Thomas Roche for the shot. Here are a few scans:




Other clickies: Great mashups at Party Ben, the American Taliban (thanks Adam!), Mayumi Lake’s Poo-Chi, Pervert!, Lego Schoolgirl, Lego Femme Mecha, Lego Nude with Assault Rifle

Oh, and I had dinner with COOP and his hot wife last night, and COOP actually said that his dessert made him happier than if he’d had a lubricated finger inserted into his anus by a big-assed Vietnamese sex worker, though my translation is nicer. Um, that means he really liked it, I think.

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Horrid little week

Is this week over yet? Because I really need it to be the weekend, now. Well, technically the weekend starts tonight, that is if you live on Marching Band time — I’m going to go see them at the SF Eagle tonight because it might be the last time I get a chance before they all go to LA and play with David Byrne again at the Hollywood Bowl. And I know I have a lot of friends hoping I’ll come down there with them and like totally pretend I’m with the band and stuff and sneak into clubs with them dressed like a fetish slut and carrying someone’s horn (because I NEVER do that, ever), but I’m not going. Anguish! Why? Because it sounds like the Hollywood Bowl is a corporate nightmare of Hollywood proportions, and the least funnest thing to me sounds like going all the way to LA and getting tossed out and sitting in the Bowl parking lot trying to score drugs/alcohol/wifi hand out Scientology pamphlets to pass the time in a rubber Sailor Moon outfit. Plus, that weekend is SF Pride, and the parties are already lining up…

Speaking of Scientology, I finally found the most perfect blog post about this whole horrible Cruise/Holmes/Cthulu nightmare here. Required reading.

DSC_0162-vi.jpgWhen we did the SRL show in LA, we were at this gallery that sat right across an alley from a huge Scientology warehouse. It had no signs on it or anything but everyone who lived across the street in the art live/work spaces knew (and everyone else in the neighborhood, even the crackheads). It was at least five (maybe six) floors of files, some sort of storage facility; you could see a little bit through the windows (no windows at street level) and naturally we were all dying to get a tour just like the ones Tom Cuise gives. For the show, we considered the possibility of hanging “Scientology warehouse” signs on the outside, just for fun. (Photo on right of me (my machine) picking up a flaming prop during the show)

Part of the reason we got to do the show there is that everyone in all the buildings had been evicted to make way for some condo developments that would (will) raze a several block area, so there was supposed to be no one around to disturb. Sadly, when we arrived late at night with truckloads of machines, we realized that the Scientologists had already moved out because there wasn’t anything up against the windows anymore. The next day we unloaded the machines at sunrise, but we didn’t have a permit to block the street on a weekday so we had to move the machines to the sides, which meant putting things in front of the Scientologists’ roll-up door. As things happen, at the exact moment the Shockwave Cannon rolled a bit too far back and dented the holy roll-up door, some of the residents arrived. Dressed impeccably in black and grey suits, three men and one woman angrily walked through to their door and started demanding to see who was in charge, telling us to move our stuff right away as they needed access immediately and that we were on their private property, etc. I hustled to move equipment out of the area as our fearless leader calmly spoke with the lady. They rolled up Hubbard’s roll-up door as she *told* him to keep everything clear of their property and alluded to property damage claims (of course). I peered inside the warehouse as I carried off a heavy load of pule jet stand braces; the warehouse was spotless and completely empty save for an immaculate forklift. (The Immaculate Forklift!)

Our leader listened to the woman until she stopped, and said “Well, we were told that everyone in this neighborhood had been evicted and cleared out, and that you guys in the Scientology warehouse were completely out of here so we thought it would be fine.” I saw the woman’s face change in a way difficult to describe, and she furiously demanded, “Who told you we were Scientologists!?” He replied, “Oh, everyone around here knows that.” Conversation over. She rounded up her well-presssed posse, they closed the door, and they left. Just like that. I was glad she didn’t rip off her human suit and eat his face.

Why is the week so horrid? I don’t know — last night Hornboy bought us tickets to go see Evil Dead Live (a live performance of the best movie in the world), and when we got there in the pouring rain, the online ticket service had charged him for two ticktes but only showed up as one in the dadabase and they would only give us one… so one of us could wait in the rush line, or… we scalped the ticket and went to a nearby bar, very disappointed. After a few beers we caught Satan’s Playground, which was quite excellent and almost gory enough to cheer me up. But I did get a happy ending of sorts (not *that* kind) from the whole bitter AVNOnline bullshit. After the fact, I found out that a Tiny Nibbles fan and friend (who now gets a lifetime of wet Violet kisses and boob-squishing hugs) wrote them a letter, stating:

“To: tony@avnonline.com; kathee@avnonline.com; jk@avnonline.com
Subject: Violet Blue is not a Porn Actress!

Are you guys crazy?
The actress in the photo here: (url to article)
Is NOT the Violet Blue of the Thrillhammer demonstration. The hot
Violet Blue of Tiny Nibbles and the Ultimate Guides looks like this:
Hot hot hot, real, and cracking smart. And she’s NOT a blonde porn
actress! Can you please correct the photo?”

Here was the response from the senior editor:

“Thanks for writing! You’re right: Someone around here is crazy, and I suspect it’s a member of our website team who doesn’t realize there are TWO Violet Blues (the original and the porn star). The original Violet Blue, the one to whom you refer, actually has written for us and is quite a wit — so I hope she sees the humor in this embarrassing mistake. Thanks for pointing it out, and we’ll get it taken care of right away.”

Interesting, after the article was up for over a week with the incorrect photo, to be referred to as the original… But mind you, this email wasn’t addressed to me so they’ll just have to keep on hopin’ I see the humor in the whole thing. I think an apology would be REALLY funny, but that’s just *my* twisted sense of humor for ya. At least they finally changed it.

Neat things I found: Fafinette, Japanese Ultra Hero Blog, Like, Totally Jihad, Luxuria Music, Rubberfish

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