Trauma watch

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Even since I discovered Student Doctor Net’s Emergency Medicine Forums, I’ve been hooked. They know they have lurkers like me, and I know I have a fetish for shows like ER and Green Wing (WAY better than ripoff Scrubs), so it’s all out on the table. And yes, I have an actual fetish for men *in* scrubs and emergency tech uniforms. But what I wanted to share with you is something not for the faint of heart or stomach, but proof that those urban legends aren’t just myths. Consider this post one in an infrequent series; it’s just too addictive not to read this stuff (and a great way to procrastinate my book deadline and the 800 emails in my inbox)… Pardon the deeplinks, but I think you’ll want to read the entire posts I’ve taken excerpts from:

“In the area of ‘interesting things found in the rectum’ I would like to add the half-dozen Barbie heads extracted from one pt. They were complete with their lovely synthetic locks. The pt. could give no real reason for this. I’m not sure there is one.”

“And then there was the older gentleman who presented with a stainless steel cock ring embedded at the base of his, well where they go. It had done its job very well and his erection was quite permanent. When all the medical personnel had run out of ideas, we summoned Rescue One and they arrived and set up their cutting tools. When they fired up the 10-inch carbide circular saw, the ring miraculously seemed to fall right off.” [link]

“I had a woman who was tweaking on meth and handcuffed to the gurney pull a crack pipe out of her vagina AND EAT IT! She chewed it up and got glass in her mouth and esophagus. I’d never seen anyone eat a crack pipe before and I did med school in Philly (city motto: Crack. It’s not just for breakfast.)” [link]

“Make sure to have your boyfriend re-insert the same 12″ dildo that was taken out of your ‘booty’ with twice as much force this time after it was in there for a few hours and was forcibly removed by the ED personnel 2 hours ago because surely the hole is now open enough that it won’t get stuck a second time…” [link]

“BASED ON A CASE TODAY…
don’t allow someone with a known poorly controlled seizure disorder to perform oral sex on you… enough said…” [link]

“the painless chancre of primary syphilis, the cauliflower-like growths of HPV, the blisters of herpes, and the urethral discharge of gonorrhea/chlamydia can, indeed, all exist on a single penis. the owner of the above penis presented with a chief complaint of “cuts on my dick”………..hmmm”

“When you finish your night at the pool hall, be sure to keep your pool stick in a case after you unscrew it and wear your seatbelt if you drive a large van – otherwise you might hit a pole, fly out of your seat, and end up with a pool stick up your ass. 8 ball – corner pocket…”

“The broad base on the 12 inch dildo is meant to be the place to stop…not additional stimulation as you jam that part in your rectum as well. If you do this, and you’re an active duty Marine, just go to the local Naval hopsital. If not, you’ll explain the whole story to a civilain Doc, who will label you “non-emergent” and package you off to the Naval hospital anyway. Be sure to bring your wife along to share the humiliation since it was her exuberance that got you there in the first place.” [link]

“If somehow a ping pong ball should make its way into your rectum and you cannot retieve it, do not mix yourself a cement enema–as this will only make your problems worse. (I did not see this in person, but saw the radiograph. the hardened cement block was removed under anesthesia.)” [link]

“An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.”

“If you’re taking pictures of seasonal plants in the desert (is a cactus seasonal?), don’t do crystal meth and fall down and embankment and impale your scrotum and penis on a cactus. It’s bad.” [link]

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San Francisco Valentine’s guide

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First, a huge sticky-sweet thank you to the Montreal Mirror for saying such incredibly wonderful things about me, my felltio book and labor-of-love Tiny Nibbles in ther Sexy and Sweet: A Mirror Valentine’s Gift Guide. (I’ve always wanted to visit Montreal, so this is especially cool.) Next, over on SFist you’ll find my latest column Your ‘Fisty Valentine, where I tell where to find a heavy handful of local sex parties and events this weekend, my favorite local chocolate makers (including a romantic chocolate factory tour), suggestions for picnics and weekend movies around town, and much more. Two events of note:

Saturday night at the CSC, Thomas Roche’s My Sucky Valentine is a benefit for SFSI featuring Carol Queen, Thea Hillman, Daphne Gottlieb, Mistress Morgana, mi blue (no relation), as well as MC Roche and myself. Thomas tells us, “what makes this event slightly different than your run-of-the-mill group drunken crying jag at the Zeitgeist is that My Sucky Valentine peels back the rotting rose petals of romance that cover the fragrant bud of sleaze. Many of San Francisco’s best-loved erotica writers step away from their usual sex-positive selves and mingle their appreciation of the nastier side of sex with bitter and downright admissions about how wrong it can go.”

What he doesn’t tell you is that I have no idea what I’ll be reading — Thomas is picking something for me. Just great. So if you like my podcast and you want to see me put on the spot by my best friend and forced to read filthy dirty erotica live, this is the time…

SRL fans will want to come to the Women’s Building friday night for an indiefest screening of the awesome video shot at last year’s Los Angeles SRL show — this will be a benefit to help us move and half of the door proceeds and all of the merchandise we sell goes toward the move. I have to go down to SRL this afternoon to round up stuff to sell; I’ll be the one at the merch table trying to part you with your hard-earned cash. With a smile, of course.

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Juicy Valentine’s Day Sex Toys

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And now’s the time to order if you want them to arrive in time! I just wrote up a Horny Valentine’s Gift Guide on Fleshbot that includes delicious pink leather bondage kits, solar powered and recycled materials sex toys, great sex toy kits for couples, cool sex art t-shirts, chocolate dilddo casting kits, DIY pussy mold making kits… and much more.

Image: Aria in Stockroom’s pink leather bondage gear

* Wait — you’re wondering why I’m linking to Stockroom again, after I told you they carry unsafe Anal Eze ans shrink creams, But guess what — they called me and told me they permanently removed those products from their stock! So not only are they a bunch of sweet, kink-happy punk and alt kids, but they have a sexy site and they care more about sexual health than making a buck. So, based on our phone call and their ethical decisions, (they asked me and) I’ve agreed to become a celebrity sex ed moderator on their Kinkwire Forums, with Midori and Steve Diet Goedde. (I’ve been beta testing; it’s still not officially announced.) *And* they are soon going to become the official sex toy sponsor of Tiny Nibbles, which will help pay my bandwidth fees (’cause my kneepads need a rest) — and I reserve the right to editorialize and snark all I want, because they seem to like me all fiesty like that.

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I am a lapdog of satan


This morning my inbox greeted me with emails (thank you!) linking to the Yahoo news article “Kids’ Ability To Access iPod Porn Raises Concerns“, where my podcast Open Source Sex is held up as an example of a “dirty download”, “pornography webcast” (only if it’s done right, dear reader). Apparently I’ve been somewhat targeted by a hardcore Christian group called National Coalition for the Protection of Children and Families, who call themselves a “Cincinnati-based pornography watchdog group”. Of course, their religious beliefs are not mentioned in the article (though they are cited as a source). It only took one click to see that they’re anti-gay, anti-porn, they promote “family” marriage legislation across the nation, and promote abstinence and virginity as sex education for kids/teens. In their own words about online pornography, “Harm is just a click away”.

Funny that the article didn’t mention the parental controls in iTunes, which is where they cite the most ‘danger’.

But I was really most curious about the organization’s spokesdouche Jack Samad who said in the article about “dirty downloads” like my podcast, “‘It’s addictive behavior. The consumption of this stuff will lead you deeper into activities that you normally would not progress to.’” Then the article states that “Porncasts like Open Source Sex walk a very thin line between sex education and pornography.”

Harm was indeed just a click away. Jack Samad’s online resume tells us that his career highlights include “Interactions with Presidents Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Vice President Quayle, Colin Powell, Norman Schwartzkopf and Bob Dole”. In the ZDnet article “Google stands up to US government porn probe” it seems that Mr. Samad was quoted again as a source — and a DOJ backer — blasting Google for not complying with the US DOJ’s subpoena to surrender private citizens’ search records under the umbrella of COPA.

Hey, I’m just sayin’. If you have kids, use filters and for the love of love, don’t tell them abstinence and god’s virginity are all the sex ed they need — read these great books with them instead.

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Blogging is not disposable culture

…. even if it *is* an instant gratification information delivery system. Even if it sucks and the blogger is a retard, it’s a record of how they suck and are retarded — or that some *thing* of value, for at least one person out there, found language. It’s also why you should always credit the links you find (I have a list of linkstealers), and always thank your colleagues for tips. And don’t forget that we all talk to each other. Make a fake blog to cheat search engine spiderbots? Google will kick your ass into next week (where no one can find you). And when you fake shit for the US government on Wikipedia, we know. Lie to the public and don’t feel the need to note your corrections, then remove the page entirely and think it goes unnotced? Wrong. Blogging makes it all truthy here in the internet, even if you have to polish your information gathering shopping skills a bit. It’s high time more people got a clue about this. Bacchus has a great post about why people who treat blogging as disposable culture are slimeballs:

More Internet Vandals Go Offline

“So I notice that Panties Panties Panties has gone offline, saying goodbye thusly:

‘Thanks to everyone who wrote in expressing concern. Enough emails were received such that some kind of explanation seems necessary. We simply thought it in our best interest to discontinue the blog. We’re each okay; it was just time to euthanize it. Anyway, thanks for reading, commenting, and sticking with us as the blog evolved. See ya, motherfuckers*, perhaps in some other place, in some other guise.’

No, motherfuckers, you won’t see me. You may come back, but it will be a cold day in hell before I link to you again. You’ve demonstrated that it’s a waste of time trying to incorporate you into the warp and woof of the world information culture that is the internet.

(…) If you put it up on the internet, it’s going to stay there, or come back if it seems to have gone. In addition to the currently-active public archives like the Google cache and the Wayback Machine, there are dozens of entities spidering the web and making private archives for various purposes (commercial research, government intelligence gathering, etc.) All the data in those archives is likely to become public — and be put back up on the web — at some point in the future. Meanwhile, there are a zillion quotes and excerpts of your stuff on every blog that ever linked to you, none of which material is going away. You can’t unring the bell, and you look foolish trying.”

[read more, photo via Spanking Blog]

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Thoughts at the end of my day

Finished a chapter and started another today, phew. Still dwelling on the virgin creams. Our bodies, our selves. Watch this darkly humorous video of Brit girls getting their bikini areas waxed:

Bikini Waxing! (funlol.com)

Then check out the *real* our bodies — hey, are you fat? Is your body perfect? In one week, Media Nipple gathered video from TV and put together this video (warning: graphic imagery):

The Perfect Woman (culturalfarming.com, thanks Evil Signtist)

Lie on the web and get caught part bazillion: Wikipedia has higher ethical standards than the U.S. government — Wikipedia had to block Capitol Hill IP’s due to falsification of entries from our elected officials and their flunkies. Perhaps they were all too busy circlejerking with Tom DeLay in Schwarzenegger’s Hummer to watch this segment on The Daily Show.

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Unsafe sex product rant, part gazillion

I’m at home writing and researching a book that’s due at the end of this month, and I’ve entered into a sex ed area that is a real sore spot for me. You’ve no doubt read my gripes and warnings about the widely available and highly profitable anal numbing creams and “shrink” creams, but have I ever told you the many reasons why they’re evil?

Lubricants with benzocane and numbing agents such as Anal-Eze, “good head gel” and desensitizing creams contain oils, flavors and colorings, and they are very unsafe. Numbing the back of your throat, the penis, the vagina, and especially the anus can lead to serious injury and infections that can (and often) land users in the doctor’s office or ER. Think: you can’t feel the skin breaking or tearing, and if it’s the anus, there’s fecal bacteria. When you can’t feel pain, you are getting injured, period. Pain sucks, but it’s an important tool during anal play, telling you something’s not right. If it hurts you’re either going too fast, you need more lube, the item is too big, or you’re not really in the mood. And when I researched my fellatio book, I communicated briefly with a dentist who’d seen signifigant bruising *inside* the throat of a female patient — again, just think about it.
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Also unsafe but widely available are “shrink creams”, “sure grip”, “tighten up” and “feel like a virgin again”, which claim to make the vagina smaller or tighter. The key ingredient in these creams is alum (aluminum chloride, an aluminum compound). Alum absorbs water out of the outer layer of the skin; as more water is absorbed, the cells begin to swell, closing the ducts that water would normally flow through. No study has been done on the effect of these creams on the cervix, which is what they eventually end up getting rubbed on during penetration, but I’ll wager it’s not good. I kind of want to make the manufacturers snort a thick rail of alum, so they can study the effects on their own mucous membranes. What I really hate about these “shrink” creams is the fact that they’re trading on female insecurities about the vagina not being tight, pretty or good enough for their male partner — like we need any negative reinforcement from our pussy-phobic culture about how we look, feel or smell down there. The marketing text runs, “China Shrink Cream is formulated to tighten the vaginal walls. China Shrink Cream is to help with loose vagina due to multiple child birth and frigidity.” I also want to throw up every time I see the packaging on these creams, as they are often called “oriental” or “China Shrink Cream”, paralying off of racist stereotypes and exotifying Asian “sexual mystery”, much the same way the porn industry fetishizes skin color and markets (I think racist) negative stereotypes about black male sexuality with its “interracial” videos.

The short of it is that because sex toy companies market this shit as “for novelty use only”, they can get away with anything — even though they explicitly know their products are for sexual use (genital application). It’s clear that they just don’t give a shit if anyone gets hurt using their products. Same goes for the scary chemical materials many companies use in the manufacture of their toys (mostly in China), but that’s another rant, for another day.

Grrr. /rant.

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