Warning to all delicate and sensitive PC-using readers: this is a Mac porn tutorial. But, take notes because this DIY porn slideshow project can be translated to many slideshow programs, and is *great* for putting on in the background while you get busy with a lover… Or enjoying fun images of your choice while listening to a sex podcast or several!
Why is porn so lame? It’s a question this girl asks herself every day. Almost like “why is the sky blue”, except something could actually be done to change it, though I’ll be we’re stuck with scary fingernails, caterwauling Barbies, unintentional 80s retro, fake-tit bimbos, dangerous sex acts, and gyno-medical fetishes for some time to come. I’m not talking about Comstock Films, Bleu Productions, Eon Mckai or indies like Pink and White. I’m talking about the *other* 12,000 titles released each year.
However, crusing around the web I often find a picture that flips that little arousal switch to “on”. Sometimes I find many tasty galleries. And maybe I want to enjoy them for my own private use later. Maybe I want to make my own porn — something a gazillion times better than “White Trash Whores #57”. How about taking that slideshow function in iPhoto and making is a special triple-X show, just for me (and a friend)?
Step 1: Images
First off, I’m not telling anyone to take and use photos that do not belong to them. But I know that lots of people have caches of hot photos they love to visit when feeling amorous (or self-amorous), or stumble across an image that just needs to be in their private collection. Drag the image to your desktop, or right-click to save it. Open iPhoto and drag the images into your library. Better yet, get out the digital camera make your own naughty slideshow — and show it to (or give it to) your lover.
Step 2: Make a Dirty Slideshow
Select the pictures and click the “new slideshow” button at the window bottom. Now you’re looking at your sideshow in the main window. Give it a name — but unlike porn box covers, you’ll use spell-check, right? If the pictures aren’t in the right sequence, you can drag and drop them into the order you find most pleasing. You can also add new ones by dragging more from your library, or the desktop.
Step 3: Editing
Click on the “settings” button to tweak with the duration, scale, fades and music settings. This will give you a chance to make a long, langorous slideshow, or a quick and dirty flip-through. How do you want the transitions between photos — does the hottie in the photoset strip for you in a fade, mosaic, dissolve, page flip, reveal…?
Step 4: Music
I can’t even begin to relate how many times I’ve started watching a hot DVD, and had the music completely ruin my arousal — bad music is one of the ultimate hard-on killers. Still, porn videos continue to have music that sucks so bad I’m considering going to a hypnotherapist to erase the psychic scars these experiences have left on my libido. But in iTunes, you can add any music you want to your private porn slideshow, or a dirty podcast if you want hot talk (or no music at all). Click the “music” button at the bottom of the window to bring up your iTunes library and make your selection. If you want to use more than one song (or podcast), select a playlist. Once you’ve made your selection, go back to “settings” and “fit slideshow to music”. Know that if you loop the slideshow, the pictures will drift out of time with the audio.
Step 5: Enjoy!
This may not be what iPhoto was made for, but it sure is a fabulous sex toy — slideshows can be used solo or coupled, or even with a group. Imagine lighting candles and having it run in the background with some sexy music while you exchange erotic backrubs with your hottie du jour. (Sexy slideshow + Portishead + warm massage oil = sublime.) Or, maybe it’s a novel way to listen to your favorte erotica being read in a podcast. Don’t forget that if you want to have the slideshow running for a while you’ll need to go into your System Preferences and change your screen saver and sleep settings, so your computer doesn’t time out before you do. Your slideshow can be exported as a QuickTime movie (for private use only, of course) — just go to “share” and hit “export” and select a size. Choose small sizes for emailing and large sizes for burning to a CD.
Get *really* freaky with iPhoto: more (unintentionally) dirty slideshow tips here.
** Photo of model Luba by Peter Hegre from cat in a tree; links to set are all dead 🙁
*** Update: Ed emails to tell me “Tiny Nibbles readers who are jealous of Mac owners like us should check out Picasa. I honestly like it better than iPhoto (much faster, more editing options, still quite intuitive), and it has similar slideshow capabilities to iPhoto, although it lacks the convenient integration with iTunes for choosing music.”
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