When a man hates a woman

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Ask three women that you know if they’re ever been stalked, sexually assaulted or violently threatened by a man. I don’t need to bet money to know you’ll get a yes from one of those women. Too lazy to ask anyone? That’s okay, I’ll fill in the blanks for you. I’ll raise my hand for all three.

Are you laughing at me? Is this so hilarious that you’re clearing the latte out of your nose right now? If this is you, I’m guessing you work for the New York Times. On saturday, the venrable institution that brings the world “all the news that’s fit to print” ran a piece that finished with a real kicker — a hee-larry-ous puff writeup (loaded with inaccuracies) about a blog written by a man who virulently hates a female tech journalist, and writes in detail *several* times a day including his violent fantasies about her, and her family (who he names). The NYT, big fans of newsworthy items like this, gave the site a nice fat pat on the back in the form of a link, and a buddy-buddy reacharound by making light of the site’s content, even going so far as to say the writer had an affable “Comic Book Guy” tone. As if he were some loveable-but-rascally cad, you know — just one of the guys having a good prank on someone’s uppity female intern.

Of course, the site was xenisucks — if you read Boing Boing, you likely saw Xeni’s post to it last week, which I felt was the most graceful thing one of us female writers has done with something like this, to date. Her response was eloquent and dignified. Mine would have been a fantasy involving a lethal machine and a clip of 2×4’s, but that’s just me. But what happened in the NYT wasn’t just good-old-boys’ ignorance about a pathological hate site, it was malice.

This is what the New York Times has rewarded with lighthearted puffery and back-slapping, and the gift of a link from the NYT site. Because pathological hatred of women is not *just* goddamn funny, it’s news that’s fit to print.


Why this is okay is completely beyond me. What’s obvious is that it’s patently okay to express hostility at women, for commentors to joke about when your pals have corpse fucking fantasies about them, and that it’s an important component of culture worth preserving — and defending.
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Men like this do this because they want us out of their world. Every female tech and sex writer I have contact with knows this. But what’s really scary with the xenisucks fucker, and his pal at the Times, is that the line between fantasy and reality has been acknowledged, and crossed, publicly — and the Times *made it okay*. It’s one thing to have a fantasy about what you’d do to someone you despise, and it’s another thing entirely to act on it. This man has acted on his emotional hatred, continues to act on it, and has now been rewarded by his peers. I’ll bet cash money that if someone did a little poking around into his social history, we’d discover that this isn’t the first time he’s done this to a woman. It’s indicative of a pattern. But now that he’s acted on it and his buddies have high-fived him in print, it’s essential that we ask where this road leads. This type of pathological, psychotic behavior isn’t a pastiche of a parody between witers; it’s a big red flag. Women around him should be worried. People who work with him should be acutely aware that they’ve got someone on their hands who doesn’t know the difference between fantasy hatred and reality hatred — and that a bad trigger for him could impact them directly. Anyone who cares about this guy should be worried about his mental state, which is a ticking time bomb of pathos. And most importantly, local police and FBI should be watching this guy really closely. This isn’t fanfic; this is psychotic.

Unfortunately, the New York Times thinks it’s cool to reinforce that men like this can hurt us more than we can hurt them. They gave him a fucking *cookie* and patted him on the head. They’re joking, and we’re not laughing. We’re not talking about a lack of social skills here, we’re talking about a desire to destroy. Men like this hate women like me (I’m on his stupid blog, too) and want us obliterated because we are the enemy. Something like xenisucks and the NYT support lent to its corpse fucking fantasies by Dan Mitchell would never happen to a man, because it wouldn’t make sense. But for some reason, men like this feel validated on their core level by being hateful toward women, and joking about it like it’s okay.

This is the same kind of pschopathology that lurks behind the man who beats up the guy who just sucked him off; a horribly familiar stereotype that Patrick Califia wrote about in the Best Sex Writing 2005 essay “Sex With The Imperfect Stranger” saying, “This strategy relies on widespread social acceptance of the belief that this is what straight men are supposed to do when their heterosexual identities are threatened. They are supposed to murder in defense of their masculinity. Because if one of them doesn’t do this, if he does not violently repudiate the possibility that he found it pleasurable to have sexual contact with someone who was not born female, then he must be queer himself.” In these situations Califia tells us, “The victim in such cases is usually deliberately sought out by the attackers, hunted down and intimidated, battered or slaughtered. Violence against sexual minority people is a sport.” A female writer like Xeni is in a man’s world. So am I, and Annalee Newitz, and a few others. We are not asking anyone to like us, but we seem to be inviting a certain kind of male hate.

But we belong here, too.

Well, Matthew Neal Sharp and his “commentors” can write all the corpse fucking fantasies about me he wants. The first time I held a gun on a man in self-defense I was 13 years old. *He* did not rape me. When I was 21, a guy in my local arts community made friends with all my friends, moved into a house next to mine, then proceeded to break into my room when I was out and took things, like my artwork, my underwear, and he’d even leave me notes. Then he started telling my friends that I owed him money — and most of my male friends believed him, and told him my whereabouts regularly. He was an outspoken gun owner, and I fled town in the middle of the night. He followed me across three states, finding out from my “friends” where I was going by telling them the “she owes me money” line. I was visited by the police, who knew he’d been stalking me, but couldn’t do anything about it until something happened. I filed a restraining order and they served it personally. He was finally stopped when he got caught doing armed robbery in drag, and went to jail. This is how our system works.

I sincerely hope that if Matthew Neal Sharp or the New York Times writer Dan Mitchell ever visit San Francisco, someone lets me know. I am absolutely NOT afraid of them. But they should be, of me.

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Three kinds of interviews

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Audio, text and video! Wow, today my RU Sirius Podcast Show interview is blogged on Boing Boing; I’m profiled (with a great photo) in the Spring 2006 print issue of Venus Zine, along with Neko Case and Margaret Cho; and the Geek Entertainment TV video interview I did with San Francisco International Film Festival director Graham Leggat is up! w00t!

Link to post: Geek Entertainment TV: Graham Leggat Talks Film & Citizen Media (remember, this was a surprise; I had no idea I’d be on video that morning… )

* Image: Margaret Muthafucking Super-H4WT Cho dancing with snakes on a plane!!!! Seriously, I’m dying over the incredible coolness/hotness factor of Maragaret Cho’s blog right now. She blogs, “I am pussy without borders.” Nice.

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La Dolce Sunday

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Courtesy of Bruno Bisang, via my friends at Touche Sexy. Today, an article in the NYT about pro-anorexia online, not as thoughtful or informative as the one I asked Thomas Roche to write four years ago for the GV Magazine. Yesterday, pirate radio with Annalee Newitz (soon to be an episode of Open Source Sex; check out her sexy new blog).


Friday, a depressing conversation “off the record” with YouTube. Put a big “alleged” in front of my comments from an off the record conversation, but know that they consider anything not squeaky clean family fare a niche they shan’t bother with, and in the niche goes anything with nudity, the arts community and stuff for grownups (inlcuding, as I asked about, say, videos from Abu Ghriab). And yes, they’ll yank your membership if you repeat offend, and no, you don’t get your videos back. Don’t you just hate “community” services that have cool stuff and yet treat everyone like children? I suggested making “mature” areas for non-porn (but edgy not for kids) content retaining the ability to embed a player into a blog, and got the “niche” response. It’s nuts — my site is for adults, and that is *my* responsibility; I have an age check gateway to keep out people under 18. They could just make the content off limits to the wider YT community but still available for embed on outside sites who would then be responsible for the content being seen by adults. That way I could enjoy all the dumb Hollywood trailers I wanted in my YT favorites and blog embed those as virally as I wanted, but could also entertain myself as appropriate to my age, culture and interests. Too bad, like so many sex-negative entertainment venues, in their TOU they see all nudity as sex, and all sex as bad or a liability.

Kudos to iTunes for their grownup-friendly parental controls. I’ll still link to YouTube now and then, especially since I think their community flagging censorship approach makes for an amusing trainwreck (and one that’s rife with contradiction). I mean, why have Naked News on there, make people have to log in to prove they’re 18, but then indiscriminately yank other videos with nudity in them (like mine)? Doesn’t that parlay into believing that their own mature content filters don’t work? Anyway, I’ll be linking to them always with a caveat that the link is temporary and unreliable, and I’ll be trusting my non-explicit and artsy videos for grownups to another service. Who wants a world without something like the playfully erotic Naked News? Especially Naked News Daily Male, yum. Certainly not me. (And I’ll start experimenting with embedding my own video players while direct linking to content makers — why give YouTube thousands more hits when they don’t care about retaining users like me?)

Besides, their RSS is seriously fucking broken. Jonno and I were talking about doing more YouTube video links on Fleshbot, but with traffic like ours we can’t link to anything that’s unreliable. We’re still talking about it, though.

A more well-rounded video service? Right now, Blinkx.tv has my vote, especially since they include podcasts — they just need to simplify their interface.

Update: Tiny Nibbles reader Gabe tells me in an email with the subject “YouTube bores” that I might want to check out Daily Motion. Thanks, Gabe! I’m just happy to find a sensible service that doesn’t obfuscate its practices or change its mind about how and when it enforces its Terms of Use — blogging and my web presence is my livelihood, and I depend on having these services keep their promises to me. For instance, the YT rep (off the record) told me that they’re going after anything with nudity right now, but nowhere in their TOU are the words “nude” or “naked”.

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[Audio] On the RU Sirius podcast show!

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Last week I was on the RU Sirius podcast show, and it was the most fun I’ve had doing audio in a long time! It’s a hell of a funny and fun show, and I’d be on again in a red hot second — especially because it’s like hanging out and drinking with like five of your smartest (and cute) friends.

Link to post with MP3: RU Sirius Show #38: Open Source Sex with Violet Blue

In it, I talk about female ejaculation, teledildonics, programming artificial intelligence to be sex-positive, and the sad, sad state of patent and trademark trolls in the world of sex and technology (and how patent trolls are strangling development of new sex technology).

Image: random hotness from this week’s free gallery @ Hegre Archives.

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Video pranks

I’m about to have a conversation with someone at YouTube about the censored video and their policies. But in the meantime, it seems that Chevy is hosting an online contest where participants make commercials for their SUVs. Evidently they haven’t started screening the entries yet.

Check ’em out — and if you make a good one, send it in and I’ll post. These links will expire; enjoy now!

One.* Two. * Three. (Thanks, Jason!)

Update: Here’s mine! It’s all text from the subject lines of email in my spam folder — and it works!

Update: more videos!

* Video from M, a bondage model and pal — text by Missy Elliott
* Video from Jim, a Tiny Nibbles reader
* Video from L, an SRL grrrrl

Update — you know you want it — Chevy Tahoe video from COOP!

Update: A really funny one from Tiny Nibbles reader Mark!

But wait, another update! This one’s from Sean Bonner (and I think it’s my favorite); this one is where Chevy goes goatse. Chevy must think that their viral campaign is tremendously successful, not realizing that we’re kind of putting the fetid infectiousness back into the definition of “viral”. With no intention of promoting, or buying, their product. Heh.

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[Video] Mateo: For The Ladies

Remember a while back I went to an underground amateur male, alt-boy strip show in an Oakland warehouse, called For The Ladies? Well… I was cruising around Flickr and found their For The Ladies Flickr Pool, and thought it would be a good idea to upload the video I took at the show to YouTube. After being up for a few hours, it got a lot of views and collected a few fans — then, wonderfully, it got blogged by DudeTube!

I’m working on planning one of these for San Francisco: the guys are all amateur straight boys with no homophobia, and it’s all just a hugely wonderful turn on for the rowdy crowd of grrrls (like me), and a great time. I think there’s even another one this weekend. After the jump, check out Mateo taking it off and just generally looking hella hot.

Update: After 3794 views of the video, I got this email from YouTube:

“Your video Mateo grinds it at For The Ladies has been rejected due to its inappropriate nature. Please refer to our terms and conditions for more information on what video material is not permitted on YouTube.”

** It was only a naked man dancing. There was no erection, no close-ups, no genital touching. It was more like performance art. That’s some pretty heavy-handed and QUITE uneven censorship going on at YouTube.


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HowTo: Sex toy PC casemod for dirty girls

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I almost didn’t make it past the top photo with all the candles and the photo of Brad Pitt for inspiration, but I have to admit that this DIY PC casemod, where a vibrator is mounted on a B*rbie PC, is pretty damn cool. Granted, if it were my mods, I’d swap the picture out for Harvey Birdman, add a disco ball, include several yards of pink rope, a pair of roller skates and a Pilates ball, but that’s just me.

Of course, I’d have also done it to a Mac Mini which would be ideal for expoxying sex toys (I notice they tried to use hot glue and failed, which would never work with the oils in jelly rubber). I’d imagine one could use silicone caulk or hardcore expoxy to glue a flared-base dildo (and butt plug for a double dip) and a hard plastic remote-control clit buzzer on the front, while the weight of the Mini would keep it stabilized. And looking sexy. Not to mention that the cute B*rbie PC would never withstand the strain like my Mini would — girls, our thighs would crush that thing like a grape, no? And whither the headphones plug for iTunes? Hello, sexy podcast?

Okay, I’m a special case. But click on over to the Sex Toy PC Case Mod for Girls at Homemade Sex Toys for the excellent howto. And those pink handlebars *rock*!

Thanks, Xeni!

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