HowTo: Pay for a pizza (not)

My pal Thomas writes me,

> Never having had sex with men, I need to ask something.
> Do men having sex really do that thing where they say “Ooooh, yeah” — hissing intake of breath — “Oooh, yeah” — hissing intake of breath — “Ooooh, yeah” — hissing intake of breath….?
> Or is it something they only do in porn, like wearing socks?

After much consideration, my answers to this are yes, but only if:

* your first name is Kandye, Krystal, Jazzmin or Jenna
* your last name is Kleevage, Kupps, Lixxx or Jameson
* you have one name and it is Houston
* in your everyday writing and speech, you regularly substitute the words “meats” for “meets”, “cum ons” for “come-ons”, “asspirations” for “aspirations”, “cums” for “comes” (as in “Billy Cums Home”)
* your last feel-good film was Destinaiton Dirtpipe, Who Let the Whores Out #2, Swallow the Leader #3 or Black Pie for the White Guy (all real titles and recent releases)
* your male sex partners always wear sunglasses and your female sex partners sound like that time you accidentally stepped on the cat’s tail really hard in your stripper heels
* your exchange rate for cable service, plumbing repairs, building maintenance, rent, car service, office supplies, classrooom delinquency and pizza delivery, is a blowjob

Now I want to write The Ultimate Guide to Dirtpipe Milkshakes. I doubt Cleis would go for it.

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