How I spent my holiday

Let’s talk about that sex machine. A couple of weeks ago, I got one of those out-of-the blue, amazing gifts from the universe — actually it was a gift from Joy Rider, Inc. I blogged recently about a sex machine I saw at a party that looked really fun, but that I was too shy to try. It was the Joy Rider, and when I linked to the site, they got a flood of traffic that prompted them to thank me — in a most profound way. But the machine isn’t just a thank-you gift; instead the designer has endeavored to pick the mechanical side of my brain and provided me not just the machine, but also some interesting modifications to make the machine… I think, better.

(The photos you see are in my kitchen.) The way it works: the user sits on the seat with the dildo just inside their orifice of choice. Then they rock their hips back and forth (with feet on the floor, using the handle, whatever), and as they move back and forth the dildo rises up and down, in and out. The user controls the speed and motion absolutely, and hands-free. The machine typically comes with the Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock system for dildo attachment — not out of any alliance with the toy manufacturer, I found out, but simply from reasoning that they wanted people to be able to find dildos for the machine easily. But the problem is that this attachment system isn’t the greatest, and the bigger problem is that the company’s dildos are only available in unhygienic, porous materials. The materials (most notably jelly rubber) cause irritation in many women, cannot be thoroughly cleaned due to pores in the material, and people who have latex sensitivities have adverse reactions. Personally, the shit makes me stingy and raw inside — I use most of these toys with a condom. But the makes of the Joy Rider, inspired by my (!) blogly wishes for machines that could use silicone dildos (can be sterilized, extremely hygienic), wanted to have me help them come up with a way to easily use silicone dils on their machine. It’s really a dream come true!

The adaption system they left with me really worked well, and I’ve only begin to scratch the surface of how many ways I can distract myself with this device. Basically, I unscrewed the Vac-U-Lock connection system and put on the thoughtfully included straps: two leather straps with Velcro on one side, and snaps on the other. Three o-rings can be changed out depending on what dildo I’m in the mood for. Vibrating silicone dildos! A range of sizes! Hours of fun, alone and with a friend. So far, it works really well for simultaneous penetration and blowjobs, but tonight I’m going to try a longer dildo so I don’t have to grind much to get the in-out action going, and I’ll watch some porn while I’m at it (John Leslie’s Crack Her Jack 3; it drives me crazy right now). Maybe tonight I’ll take a few holiday pictures…

That is, after my late night cocktail with Carol, Robert — and Nina Hartley and Ernest Greene! This foursome is very close and usually has a holiday dinner together, but want to come over to my house for nightcaps, lucky me! I think it’s mostly that Carol and Robert worry that I’m lonely over the holidays, and I am. So thank you, my friends, for rescuing me from struggling with my next book, Best American Sex Essays, while all my friends are out of town, and spending too much money at the iTunes store.

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