Not Working

I should be working writing about all the dirty dirty films I have watched today like Veronica Hart’s Lost Heinie and Sinful Rella but instead I am sitting around and doing Amelie impersonations.

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More Male and A Little Woman

This email was the unintentional highlight of the week:

Subject: Who are you?< who are you and why are you emailing my husband? It was sent presumably from the husband's email address, or there is one very mad, very aggressive and very snoopy gay househusband out there. I haven't written back mostly because I am enjoying the push-pull feelings of amusement and anger. I mean, like, who is her husband? Very likely he is one of many nice guys who email me on a regular basis and compliment my web site or my work, and I emailed him back to say "thank you." That's about as raunchy as it gets. This woman has obviously been cuckolded by politeness. I want to write her back and ask her why she's invading her husband's privacy. Or why she's got the balls to email me presumptuously, a total stranger, and no cojones when it comes to trusting (or talking to) her husband.

But what I really want to tell her is that she needs to be oiled up with a delicious aphrodisiac oil by six nubile and adoring male and female nymphs who blindfold her and drizzle warm maple syrup all over her sensitive parts and lick it all off while drinking some ancient bottle of sweet liqueur that makes them all hallucinate and writhe like a bunch of orgiastic snakes, all culminating with her much-needed introduction to a Hitachi Magic Wand Super Silicone G-Spotter Kit, the Tiny Buzzers nipple clamps, a Little Flirt butt plug and the iSurge, all at once. Then a sound spanking from the super-hot and very scrumptious Mistress Morgana. And a complete training on wifeliness by the dedicated wives of Whap! Magazine.

On Saturday 4/12 I represented the women of Survival Research Labs at the Gearheads: The Turbulent Rise of Robotic Sports book signing in San Francisco (Fort Mason). The book is fantastic and I love it (though a little light on the female contribution to the world of machine art). It’s the only written description of SRL that even comes remotely close to capturing the chaos, danger and prankster nature of our organization — and the book also covers Robot Wars and Battlebots, organizations that sprung up in SRL’s wake. You know, the TV shows where the only women are big-boobed blonde bunny announcers. Hey, I like the BBBB announcers, but c’mon, guys.

I ran a table selling the Official SRL Nudie Calendar (all proceeds benefit an SRL member with cancer), and got to meet just about everyone. I had a great time sipping beer and chatting robotics with guys and a few gals, and selling the hell out of the calendars. There were many instances where it took several rounds of conversation with some of the men to get them to understand that I was a *female* member of SRL, and that we do indeed exist in all our welding, carpentering, forklift-driving, fabricating and machine operating glory. I guess it was a consciousness-raising event on both sides.

Next I’ll be hosting at the Capri Restaurant on 4/23 for a Stop AIDS benefit evening, and working as Good Vibes staff at the SF Fetish Ball on 4/26 and at the premiere of Charles Gatewood‘s documentary Forbidden Photographs at the Roxie Theater on 5/9.

Oh, and last week’s favorite customer question, from two gay guys I was waiting on in the store:

Do you have any lube for really BIG dicks?

As a matter of fact…

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Fan Male

I get fan mail daily, but this is a total favorite, sent today:< Man, intelligent porn AND a member of SRL?
You WIN at the internet!
Keep up the good work,
A fellow perv.

Another recent favorite told me I was sexy because I use a G4. Yes! My mail is awesome, and I totally look forward to it. Lots of letters by lots of smart, happy folks asking questions about sex, saying hi, or giving me pointers. Sometimes it’s funny in a satirical way, sometimes its funny in an unintentional way, like when I get emails from men who tell me about their huge huge penises, and want me to talk about their huge huge penises with them. They definitely like big cocks more than I do. It’s all fun, and sometimes bizarre, too, like last month I got an email from amateur pornographers in former Yugoslavia that read:

Dear Mister
If you interested to cooperate,and if you seen our
Site. We wish to
suggest you few way of cooperation.
In Belgrade(Serbia)there are people who is interested
in recording a film pornography. We knew 10
people minimum(male and female)who wants to do it.They
are interested in clasic
sex,oral,anal,lesbo,gay,sm,pising.Women`s from 18 up
to 50 years,size of the breast`s from 90cm up to 120
There are few chance for cooperation:
-That two of us come to your place and take a picture.
-That we from Belgrade send you material accros
-The best option is thet you come in Belgrade take a
material that you need.
With 10 people and for a few days you can record a lot
of film`s

It’s so personal it’s really hard to resist, don’t you think? Last week a close friend and colleague of mine, who is a well-known erotica author, wrote me in a panic — she got a very scary piece of fan mail. She said it was like the movie "Seven," handwritten in tight inky script, begging her for… things. This is one of the hazards of the job, and unfortunately of being female in general. But I know of a girl who is about to turn fan mail upside down — Dr. Ducky Doolittle.

Cute, curvy Ducky has been a panty, messy, shoe, leg and foot fetish model for a long time (we’re both in Messy Girls), and she always publishes her address with her photos. She loves getting fan mail too, and has saved every single scrap of mail she’s received. In New York from April 24 to May 17, Ducky presents Fan Mail: An Intimate Look at the Relationship Between a Fetish Model and Her Fans, a showing of her amazing archive. She writes,

These are the letters that inspire both my fantasies and my nightmares. They are simultaneously titillating, frightening, funny, bizarre, abusive, sexy, warm and filthy…. For the first time, I am opening up a piece of my archive for public viewing.

I wish I could see the show, and I hope it makes a tour of the West Coast. Not only do the letters sound cool and interesting, but what a fantastic way of contextualizing an experience that every single woman sexualized in the public eye experiences — and we all experience it alone, in private.

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Love For Sale

SRL Nudie Calendars are for sale! (All proceeds go to the North family — read more about the calendar and my friend’s fight with cancer in the 3/15 entry below).

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I Can’t Feel My Ass

I get a lot of letters from sex toy (and other) companies asking me if I will link to their sites. That’s no surprise — my site traffic is remarkably high, especially for a site where I sell nothing, have no advertisers, and I do nothing to advertise or promote the site. The only things I hope people buy are my books, but I don’t make anything extra if folks buy them off my site. I link to Good Vibes because I work there, I believe in our mission, and I’m one of over 100 owners of the co-op. Recently a site wrote me asking for a link (as usual with no offer of reciprocity), so I checked ’em out, as I’m always on the prowl to offer new sex-positive outlets for goodies to readers. I really like their site and its design, the product presentation looks fantastic, the site navigation is excellent, and they offer some really fun toys my shop doesn’t carry — toys I’d love to try. They also have great articles, like how to hire a stripper for a party, and even decent oral sex tips I’d endorse. But I have qualms about a few things they carry — one item in particular — which brings me to answering a recent email from a reader.

The product in question is a lubricant sold specifically for anal sex that numbs the anus (and by proxy) the penis doing the penetrating). In a few places on Tiny Nibbles and as standard policy in Good Vibes’ sex ed safety, I recommend against using butt numbers for anal sex, and this sweet reader wanted to know why. You see, she experiences a burning sensation during anal sex, and plain lube just doesn’t cut it. The Anal Eze, or whatever, numbs the pain and she can continue — and it also masks important messages that the body might be trying to send. Unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, it’s a fairly dry zone that requires lots and lots of lube for penetration. The skin is very very thin and (ouch) tears easily, so if you don’t have enough lube, you risk injury — and you really don’t want E Coli germs in a cut down there. If you can’t feel the dryness, you can’t apply more lube. You also won’t feel the pleasure that comes when anal sex is done right.

I get this question in the store from customers on a fairly regular basis. A slight burning sensation is normal when you first start anal penetration. It should gradually fade and give way to fullness, rhythm and pleasure as you continue, your arousal growing and as your muscles relax. If it hurts a lot, or won’t stop hurting, there might be a few reasons why:

* You’re going too fast. Slow way down. You won’t believe how slow you have to go: it might seem like the seasons are changing around you, but trust me. If you’re doing the penetrating, go so slow that your recipient gets impatient and makes sexy demands.

* You need more lube. Think a 40-gallon tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Have towels handy. Try lots of Wet Platinum

* One of you doesn’t really want to be doing this right now. Hey, that’s okay — switch activities if your partner isn’t ready, or in the mood, or can’t relax due to stress or medication.

* You’re not turned on enough. You really need to be horny as hell if you’re a novice or nervous, so do whatever it takes to put your arousal into overdrive. A vibe on the clit (or a lubed hand on a cock) works wonders.

So don’t use the butt numbers — they’re dangerous. And the delay spray crap that some sites sell will just numb out your dick (and your lover’s pussy or ass), and it won’t make you last any longer. I’ll cover lasting longer in another rant… As for linking to that site, the jury’s out.

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After Last Tuesday

Whew, I’m recovering from the Tim benefit. I staffed the SRL Nudie Calendar table all night, signing calendars and chatting folks up about out super-cute calendar and the very hot boys and girls I work with in Survival Research Labs. Mark Pauline blew up three huge images from the calendar into big glossy posters — and because he loves to tease me, he blew up the one of me and put it right next to the table! I blushed a lot, but had a great time, and we sold quite a few calendars. But we didn’t sell them all, and the rest will be on sale on the SRL web site soon until they’re all gone — I’ll post the link for interested parties when it’s ready.

I got smooched a lot, felt like a nudie cutie star signing autographs, and got away from the table to boogie down with the incredibly talented Extra Action Marching Band. What an amazing phenomenon they are — horns, drums, undulating half-naked flag boys and girls — and everyone danced. Except Tim, of course — he was in a wheelchair but the band played all over and around and to him! I didn’t get home until four and dragged my butt into Good Vibrations by ten, to write with bloodshot eyes and sit through two hours of meetings about ad content… eesh. I came home early and watched some porn, then wrote our email newsletter the GV Spot, edited new erotic fiction for the Good Vibes magazine — and collapsed into bed with my phone to make some calls. But the highlight of my day was an email from a fan who wrote to tell me I was sexy — because I use a G4! You bet — I think all Mac users are hotties!

Tonight when I get home from work, a review of PornOrchestra.

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Last Saturday I enjoyed the first night of PornOrchestra, and felt that there were some exceptional moments. The audience’s reaction was very interesting.

My expectations were quite different than most of the presentation. I had hoped for an experimental audio experience coupled with "typical" porn, with a humorous/provocative comment made on porn (and the viewer), plus a showcase of some very talented and amazing local musicians. That’s part of what I felt I got! I loved the environment (21 Grand is a great gallery), the experimentation, the video combined with soundscape.

The evening was broken into a few performances: guys on laptops with samples and sounds put to artsy local video images of strip joints and adult stores, a fabulous quartet that played humorously and with much talent to classic porn, a guy with a laptop and geriatric porn, and the PornOrchestra itself (with maybe two dozen members).

The guys with laptops and sample thing bores me — I would’ve loved it if there were two premium DJs like DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist competing to match up with and riff off onscreen porn — and each other. The quartet was fantastic, playing to Outlaw Ladies sped up and slowed down by an improvising gallery volunteer, and they were talented musicians who also has the audience cracking up at humorous scoring. The geriatric porn didn’t bug me — but once the surprise and "shock value" wore off, it (and the music paired with it) became boring. They unfortunately lost half their audience after this, and it seemed as though the presenters didn’t know that this was on the playlist for the musician who selected it. It’s too bad that most folks wound up missing the orchestra because they didn’t want to sit through it — though it’s equally fascinating to ponder why older people having sex freaks people out. As a porn taboo it’s right up there with bestiality, which I find very interesting.

I felt that the musicians in the PornOrchestra were exceptionally talented and I enjoyed all of the unusual/prepared instruments combined with traditional trumpets and snares. And the fast forwarding/slo-mo with the quartet was cool, too.

However, I was very disappointed by the porn selection (that’s a reviewer for you). And I was also disappointed that with the PornOrchestra the conducted music had no relationship with what was onscreen. The split screen images of vintage porn and 1950s safety films were too distracting with the experimental music — I felt that it would’ve worked well if it was simpler. Either background music, or background porn. Know what I mean? A simple all-sex film (with extra cheesy 1980s hair, etc., or an unintentionally campy porn flick) running in the background with conductor and orchestra making the layers… working more with the onscreen imagery. A selection of clips would’ve worked nicely. I felt that the audience had little exposure to porn, especially by their reactions to things considered standard in the industry, so the sensory experience seemed like it was too much. They were so busy "eeewing" at basic things that I wonder if they were able to take it all in, or if (like me) they just wanted to watch cheesy porn with intelligent music. I think I had expectation based on the pre-press, suggesting that PornOrchestra was improvising porn film scores.

But I still really liked it. It’s a provocative act. What’s funny (to me) is that in the one film they showed, Outlaw Ladies, among the many famous classic porn stars in the film was John Leslie. He is now a director who lives in the North Bay, and he would really have liked what the quartet did with the film — he’s way way into experimental jazz. I love his films for many reasons (great camerawork, hot sex), but what makes his work stand out is that he uses no music, and when he does it’s understated background jazz, which works quite well and is extremely enjoyable.

So all his Voyeur films top my "yay" list for porn soundtracks. Independent filmmakers SIR video have great music, using local musicians and have a flair for editing their sound into the film. Radley Metzger (aka Henry Paris) made some of the most surreal and beautifully filmed porn in the 1970s, and the music gets my high marks, as in his films Barbara Broadcast and Score.

Cheesy bad porn that offends the aural sensibilities? Where do I begin? How about any film by the Dark Bros. such as New Wave Hookers — any of that series, ugh. The Devil in Miss Jones #6 is recent, but looks like the 1980s (like most porn) and could use any help it can get. The "Only the Very Best" compilations and compilations such as Once in a Lifetime and the "deep inside" compilations will yield the most cheese and have the worst soundtracks — though believe me, just when you think it can’t get worse, it does. The darkest night for me was watching "Solo Male Ecstasy," a tape of men jacking off disguised as an instructional video to "enrich male masturbatory techniques." Hey, I think that’s cool for folks who want to watch guys jack off — but the music was the exact same music you’d hear in an old Atari video game! Aaargh!

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